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Let Me Be Your Human Blanket (By Paul Giamatti)

Greetings, friends, family, fans, and foes alike. Paul Giamatti here, the warmest, snuggliest actor in Hollywood. Feeling a little chilled today? Seeking the comfort that only a 165-pound man can provide? Well, we should talk. 

See, with the actors’ strike and everything, I’ve got a lot of free time on my hands and I’d love to spend it being your human blanket. Sure, sure, you have regular blankets, but do they blow warm air on your cheeks when a draft blows in through your window? Do they gently whisper late period Modest Mouse songs into your ear to lull you back to bed after you awaken from a nightmare? Do they run from your bed to the sink to get you water and pour it into your mouth when you look thirsty? I doubt it. But as your human blanket, I can do all that and more.

I’ll admit, I have never been someone’s human blanket outside of one time in college when I laid on a guy I didn’t know who had passed out at a party, and he threw up on me a few seconds after I laid on him. But what I lack in experience I make up for in ambition. I’ve been working on gaining strategic deposits of squishy body fat and using a lot of lotion so I’m more comfortable when I’m draped over someone’s entire body. I assure you, I am very soft and quiet. I doubt you’ll even be able to tell that it’s a human being laying on top of you and not a down comforter that inhales and exhales now and then. 

I’m as close to a blanket as a man can get. That’s the Paul Giamatti promise. 

It should be made clear that this is 100% NOT a sexual thing for me, as I have plenty of sex and it always rocks. This is me giving back to the community that has supported me as an actor through many projects such as John Adams, Big Fat Liar, and a bunch more I don’t remember at the moment. If I wanted to have sex, I would just come out and say so. I don’t. This is about me being a blanket. 

What do you say? Are you ready to give this whole human blanket thing the ol’ Paul Giamatti try? Because I am. 

I know it’s still summer, but winter is coming. I’m thinking to start I’d be willing to travel , but once I start to get booked up I might have to stick to the LA area, so you’re going to want to get ahold of me now. I’m begging you, please. Let me do this for you. Let me be your human blanket.