You just put on a pair of sweatpants, made a couple of snacks, and got all set up on the couch to have a cozy night in, but when you looked up how to stream the movie you were planning on watching, the worst possible result appeared: The thing you want to watch is on Peacock.
Jesus fucking Christ. The night might as well be over now.
Despite the fact that you already have Netflix, Hulu, HBOMax, Amazon Prime, and Disney+ via your parents login, that’s clearly not enough to watch a fucking movie these days, because right now, if you still want to enjoy the night you thought you were going to have, you’re going to have to sign up for goddamn Peacock. And even though they have a free plan, the only things included in that are Parks and Rec and whatever the fuck Chrisley Knows Best is, so in order to watch the movie you’d have to shell out at least $4.99 for “Peacock Premium”—which, keep in mind, still has fucking ads.
And apparently they don’t offer a free trial! What the fuck?!
It’s so not worth texting your friends to see if anyone would share their Peacock password, because you already know that nobody’s using a streaming service called fucking “Peacock,” which is obviously bottom of the barrel because it isn’t even offered as a package deal with any of the other ones. Trying to watch the movie illegally is also out of the question because it’s too confusing to try to decipher between something that’s legit and something that’s going to fuck up your computer, so it’s goddamn Peacock or bust.
And sure, the $4.99 you’d pay for Peacock is essentially the same price it would’ve been to rent the movie on iTunes if it weren’t a fucking Peacock exclusive, but it’s not about the money — it’s about the principle. Because you’re not just “signing up for Peacock.” You’re entering into a period of your life in which you will tell yourself you’ll make the most of your monthlong subscription by checking out what else is on Peacock, but you will never check out what else is on Peacock, because nothing else is on Peacock besides fucking Chrisley Knows Best, and so you will forget about Peacock and wind up paying for at least four months of it before finally fucking canceling it for real.
So, no. You must hold your ground and under no circumstance concede to Peacock, a streaming service that has two fiscal quarters left, tops. Honestly, you should just go the fuck to bed right now, because the night’s completely ruined. Thanks for nothing, Peacock.
