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Not Really A Tragedy, Honestly: The Exotic Pet Supply Store Down The Street That No One Ever Went Into Has Gone Out Of Business Due To Coronavirus

Closed businesses for COVID-19 pandemic outbreak, closure sign on retail store window banner background. Government shutdown of restaurants, shopping stores, non essential services.

The coronavirus pandemic has already claimed countless small businesses as casualties, and, unfortunately, its economic impact on our communities’ small businesses is still far from being fully realized. But amid numerous tragic stories of awesome local establishments being forced to shut down, there’s one coronavirus casualty that is definitely not a big deal at all: the exotic pet store down the street that no one ever went to has permanently closed its doors.

Well, there’s certainly no big loss here.

Reptile Dreams And More, that weird exotic pet store on the corner that always seemed sort of illegal, announced on their Facebook page today that restrictions put on businesses in an attempt to slow the spread of the deadly virus have forced them to close their smelly, dimly-lit operation for good. The typo-laden Facebook post, the store’s first since 2016, when they announced the arrival of a fresh batch of “trantulas,” thanked the local community for its support—despite the fact only, like, 5 people ever actually went into that place. It then went on to depressingly list off some discounted exotic animals and accessories for sale which were basically all the exact same shit that the store had in stock for the entirety of the 7 years it was in business.

While the economic devastation caused by the pandemic has truly been heartbreaking, in the case of Reptile Dreams And More, you’ve got to admit it’s a loss that’s pretty easy to stomach. The place was always like 120 degrees inside, never carried any pets anyone would actually want in their house, and stubbornly refused to stock regular pet supplies that people would actually have bought, like cat food or dog toys. Pretty much the only reason anyone ever went there was to take a picture of their shitty hand-painted sign that looked like a toddler made it with a bunch fat-looking snakes and a cricket that for some reason was 5 times the size of the snakes on it to post to their Instagram with an ironic caption like, “Hiring the person who painted this to paint portraits of my kids!” or something.

Adding to the list of reasons that losing Reptile Dreams And More to the coronavirus is really nothing to lose any sleep over is the fact that the owner, known only by the nickname ‘Scorps,’ always had some kind of bandage on his arm that was half falling off, and he was never welcoming to customers even though only like 1 person every 2 years ever went into that place. Additionally, the store basically carried all the exact same stuff that the big pet store out by the mall sells in their ‘exotics’ aisle for far better prices, with the exception of a few poisonous breeds of snakes that no one should ever own anyway. Not to mention the fact the store’s website confusingly listed an old phone number that no longer worked and strangely included several low-resolution photos of women in bikinis with pythons wrapped around them as the entirety of its ‘Inventory’ section.

Yep, the devastating effects of coronavirus on small businesses cannot be understated, but the loss of this particular one is nothing to really get upset about. This is definitely the kind of story that will make you shrug your shoulders and then continue on with your day with absolutely no change.