So, we’ve heard through the grapevine that all six of these clowns are in the process of passing away. That said, it’s really not our issue. We don’t care about these clowns and won’t pretend to.
1. Zippy
So, apparently Zippy the clown has lead poisoning and is going to die from it. We’re not sure what he ate or drank to get that, but at the end of the day, does it even matter? He’s just some clown. We’re a website. Those things really shouldn’t mix, when you think about it.
2. Miss Buttercup
Our condolences to Miss Buttercup, who recently suffered terminal injuries in a car crash and is expected to die soon. That said, whatever. What do you want us to do, cry? They’re not even calling her by a real name—they’re calling her Miss Buttercup. It’s lame and weird, and we’re not gonna pretend like we feel bad for her. Get a life, clowns!
3. Knicknack
There’s literally a “SAVE KNICKNACK” GoFundMe with a $100k goal right now because Knicknack contracted a skin-eating parasite of some kind while on vacation in Florida. Well, that’s unfortunate, but once again, not our problem. We’re gonna leave it to the clown community to donate to this one. Frankly, Knicknack’s bullshit is not the kind of drama we’re interested in getting wrapped up in. The bowtie, the little hat, the glasses over his stupid makeup—it’s not for us.
4. Johnny Jingles
Now Johnny Jingles looks like a younger clown, probably in the prime of his life, but still. We heard he sustained life-threatening head trauma during a bar fight and we’re just kinda like…yikes. If bar fights among clowns are an issue, that’s something the clowns need to get together and work out. Not us. We have enough on our plates already with work and climate change and whatnot.
5. Professor Laughs-A-Lot
A professor?!?! Just kidding, we know that’s just clown bullshit. He’s a clown, plain and simple, and he’s dying of tuberculosis. Do with that information what you will. We’re going to do nothing.
6. The Great Spaghetti
The last dying clown we know of, and hopefully ever know of, is The Great Spaghetti, who also has tuberculosis. Apparently lots of clowns get tuberculosis. Maybe some of you out there will weep and gnash your teeth over his passing, and that’s fine. Not really our vibe, but fine. RIP to all these clowns—that’s all the sympathy you’re going to be getting from us on this topic. We hope all these freaks have fun in Heaven.
