We’re currently watching with bated breath to see what becomes of the NIH’s latest attempt to curb America’s rapidly worsening pandemic crisis: Anthony Fauci has set up a big bowl of the Omicron variant’s favorite bird seed under an anvil.
Only time will tell if this is enough to turn the tide.
With Omicron case counts skyrocketing across the country, Director Fauci has taken the dramatic step of placing a large amount of bird seed with a sign reading “FREE BIRD SEED” in the middle of a lonesome southwestern highway, patiently waiting behind a nearby boulder to cut the rope suspending a large anvil above the bird seed the moment Omicron takes the bait. Putting the contraption together was no easy feat for Fauci, as most of America’s already meager bird seed reserves were depleted luring the Delta variant under a grand piano last autumn, and domestic anvil manufacturing has all but ground to a halt due to supply chain issues. Pancaking this current variant beneath several hundred pounds of iron could be our last hope to keep our overburdened medical system from reaching its breaking point, so we’re praying we hear Omicron’s telltale whine approach down the highway before hospitals hit their limit.
Honestly, we’ve been concerned about the severity of a potential Omicron surge ever since Fauci first tried to blow it away with a cannon mid-December, only for the cannonball to remain in place while the cannon itself shot backwards into Fauci and punched a perfect silhouette of his body out of a rock formation. Mutations to Omicron’s spike proteins make it a formidable foe, able to easily speed around hairpin curves on mountain roads that Fauci’s jet-powered roller skates just can’t navigate — and the American people have more than once had to watch in terror as the NIAID director feebly attempted to swim through air back to safety before gulping loudly and plummeting to the distant ground below. Perhaps most alarmingly, Omicron appears entirely resistant to the grand piano trick that was vital to beating back Delta, leaving Americans little recourse but to ride out the wave should Omicron somehow manage to consume the bird seed without getting hit by the anvil.
This variant may be the toughest adversary our healthcare system has ever faced.
Fauci so far hasn’t proposed any new lockdowns, though he did hold up a sign reading “OH, HAVE MERCY” after a lit stick of dynamite he threw at the Omicron variant improbably boomeranged back to his feet instead. We’ll likely see more states issue mask mandates in the coming days, but given that the dynamite caused Fauci’s own scorched mask to disintegrate into ash and blow away in the wind before the rest of Fauci’s body followed suit, leaving only a pair of blinking, bewildered eyeballs, masking alone may not be enough to effectively counter the variant. This bird seed under an anvil gambit may be our last chance to get things under control, and we don’t want to think about what the rest of winter will look like if the Omicron variant manages to sneak up behind Fauci and startle him into deploying the contraption on himself.
We’re really hoping against hope that this anvil succeeds where prior attempts to limit Omicron’s spread have failed. Dr. Fauci, the American people are counting on you!