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Patio Furniture, Ranked By Wetness

Did it rain or something? All this stuff is kind of wet.

6. The white chair

Compared to the rest of the stuff out here, the white chair is actually pretty dry. A little water here and there, but nothing you couldn’t wipe off. Not too wet at all.

5. The lawn chair

The lawn chair’s not wet to the touch, but if you sit on it, you’re going to get water on your butt. There’s some moisture that’s seeped into the cushion and collected deep down in there. So, you won’t immediately get soaked when you sit down, but after a second you’re going to feel something wet down there, and then when you stand up you’ll have a big old water stain on your butt. Ultimately, not the wettest piece of patio furniture, but it’s definitely damp.

4. The big table

This whole table is moist. Every inch of it. How did this get so wet?

3. The little table

Somehow, the little glass table is even wetter than the big one. Don’t even bother with a coaster. This guy’s soaked.

2. The green thing

Nobody sit on this thing, all right?

1. The lounge chair

Far and away the wettest piece of patio furniture, the lounge chair is essentially a pond of silty water that’s been collecting for God knows how long. No one’s used this thing in years, and it doesn’t look like that’ll change anytime soon. It’s also mildewing. Probably time to get rid of this thing.