One of America’s leading beauty retailers has made a massive technological breakthrough that’s guaranteed to change the world forever: Claire’s just launched a laser-equipped satellite capable of instantaneously piercing any ear on Earth.
This is an awe-inspiring display of power. Claire’s is now uncontested as the leading superpower in the piercings and accessories industry.
The satellite is known as the L.O.B.E. (Low-Orbit Body and Ear-Piercing) Laser System. Claire’s launched it this morning from their company’s space center located on the second floor of the Woodfield Mall in Schaumburg, Illinois. The launch was witnessed by Claire’s executives, the 18-year-old manager of the space center, and the crew of 200 Claire’s technicians and rocket scientists who helped design the highly complex equipment. A few employees of the Cinnabon in the adjacent retail space at the mall were also present. Claire’s mission control erupted into rapturous applause as the laser successfully entered Earth’s orbit and went online at precisely 7:52 this morning.
From its position in low-Earth orbit, the Claire’s satellite will be able to directly target the ears of anyone on the planet and use high-precision lasers to pierce them instantaneously. There is now nowhere in the world where your ears cannot be pierced by Claire’s.
This is truly a remarkable achievement! Claire’s customers everywhere have got to be pretty happy about this.
“With the launch of the L.O.B.E. Laser System, Claire’s has once again proven that it is a global leader in giving piercings and helping people to look their absolute best,” said Dr. Lee Augustine, the astrophysicist who led the project. “We now have the capability to pierce the ears of climbers on Mount Everest, researchers in Antarctica, and scuba divers 30 meters under the sea. We can use the laser on L.O.B.E. to pierce your loved one’s ears as a surprise gift while they’re just going about their day. From now on, if Claire’s chooses to pierce your ears, you will not be able to stop that from happening. We are so excited about this new development in our strategy.”
Well, it’s official: this is the most amazing thing you’re going to hear about all day. Congratulations to the Claire’s team on their impressive launch. We can’t wait to see this stunning new technology in action!
