Calliope! Chief of all Muses! We would sing of those Frasier GIFs; Of those five perfect GIFs, their tales of mortal woe, and the skill with which they sum up what it’s like to have social anxiety. Lend to us, therefore, your aid, that we may list them more sweetly in our telling!
1. Sing first, o Muse, of that GIF of the rage of Frasier son of Martin, who was us when we receive a phone call that could have been an email; Of the endless blows rained down upon his couch, the brow forever locked in anguish, reflecting eternally the frenzied depths of our contempt for coworkers who don’t seem to get that talking on the phone is LITERALLY torture for people with social anxiety.
2. Turn then, Calliope, to the Frasier GIF of Niles’ furtive passions by error laid bare, and enlist perhaps the sorrow-stricken mask of your sister Melpomene—For tragedy is her demesne, and tragedy the lot of Niles and all socially anxious people who accidentally blurt out feelings in front of their crush and instantly wish they could just die. With each pained loop this GIF nails it more perfectly than before, inspiring solace that our earthly grief, at least, is finite!
3. Enough of melancholy! Let us speak, Goddess, of the jubilant Frasier GIF! Of the triumphant Frasier GIF! Of the Frasier GIF that in giddy exultation captures that delight well-loved by all people with social anxiety: When a friend suddenly cancels plans! O, dance on, ye dancers! Dance forevermore to that unheard tune of parties being rescheduled, of lunches falling through, of us pretending to sound disappointed while we cue up Netflix with a huge smile on our face!
4. Linger not on this Frasier GIF, Calliope, for certain hidden truths of the bestial world will lie forever beyond the reach of man’s ken. Instead, impart from the GIF only this: Eddie is every person with social anxiety who has ever shown up to a party before their friends and noped right back out—And though echoed here in inhuman form, that itself remains a keenly human truth.
5. At last, o Muse, sing to us of that Frasier GIF more ancient than the others; Sing to us of the Cheers Frasier GIF, for it was from this primeval Frasier GIF that all other Frasier GIFs would spring; And so in Frasier’s bitter weeping may we see all the tears shed and yet to be shed by those with social anxiety: The tears of having to sign for a package! The tears of seeing that your class has a participation grade! The tears of knowing, and of being known!
