So this is kind of embarrassing, but my aunts will not stop talking about meeting you guys. I told them it would be weird but they won’t take no for an answer…so here they are…
Aunt Nancy
Aunt Nancy was kind of the ringleader of this whole thing. I swear I only mentioned you guys in passing once, maybe twice, but she kept going “Wouldn’t it be lovely for me to meet your friends sometime? I’m sure you’ve told them about your Aunt Nancy.” Obviously I haven’t told you guys about her, but basically she’s a third grade teacher and she’s really into some sort of weird martial arts thing…jiu jitsu maybe? Anyways, she said she’d stop by after her physical therapy session that apparently had to do with the jiu jitsu or whatever, and here she is…say hey I guess…
Aunt Bea
Aunt Bea is insanely social, so it’s actually no surprise to me that she’s been talking for months about how she wants to meet my “sweet little buddies from online.” This is her. If you comment something in another language she’ll go nuts for it, because she’s obsessed with international travel and trying to get “fluent” in Arabic. She’s my dad’s younger sister, but her husband is rich from his 3D printing company which is why she’s always in another country. Whatever. Tell Aunt Bea “guten tag” if you want…she’s really excited that you’re here…
Aunt Annika
Honestly I’m not sure why Aunt Annika showed up because she’s insanely hostile and every time she meets a young person she makes this huge deal about asking if they read books, or if their attention span is so short that they can only handle a thirty-second internet video. It’s super embarrassing for everyone involved. So, sorry if she says something about that, I think she’s just sad about her husband’s death and doesn’t know how to connect with people anymore…and yep, this is her…
Aunt May
So, Aunt May wants everyone to know that she made some sheet cake that you’re all welcome to. Chocolate with chocolate frosting. She asked if any of my friends had allergies, and I didn’t really know, so hopefully that’s fine. Bottom line is she doesn’t have anyone to bake for now that my cousins are all at UMass Lowell, so she was hoping you might enjoy the cake. I don’t care what you do, honestly, but yeah…
Aunt Mimi
Aunt Mimi was super excited to be here. She asked me several times if she should wear this gray dress with or without the belt. I told her I had no idea how many people would even be here, or whether they really give a fuck about my aunts’ fashion sense, but after talking to my mom she went with the belt. She kept telling my mom, “I’ve been waiting years to meet these folks! I’m pulling out all the stops!” So weird. She’s family, though…meet her…
Aunt Mel
I’ll just go ahead and say that people tend to think Aunt Mel is my hot aunt. Clearly she looks pretty good for her age. So, apologies if she flirts with you, but that’s what she usually does when she’s around pretty much anybody. I’d say don’t give her your contact info, though, because she will for sure try to invite you to one of the yoga classes she does in her backyard, which definitely have a sensual vibe. Maybe you’re into that kind of thing, though. In which case, go for it, I guess. I don’t know…I hate this…
Aunt Deborah
Last aunt, finally. This is Aunt Deborah. For some reason she assumed most of you guys are in the LGBTQ community, so that’s what the flag is for…”I’m so impressed by your darling queer friends,” she told me…not sure what that’s about, but hopefully it makes you feel welcome. She said she’d love to hear about your “trials and tribulations”…and, yeah, that’s basically the deal. You don’t have to stick around, but I’m sure all the aunts would love to talk to you if you did…so…yep. Those are my aunts…
