If we showed anything sexier, your junior high school’s IT department would land on us like a sack of hammers.

1. Horny boys, we hope these curvy hedges are sexy enough for you. Just squint a bit, and you can pretend these bushes are a buxom lingerie model.

2. We know you want to see an actual sexy woman, and we wish we could help you, but the content filters installed in your school’s computer lab are pretty much an iron fortress.

3. All right, horny boys, we think you’ll be thrilled with this topiary, because it pretty much looks like a bipple. We can’t spell bipple correctly, because your middle school blocks websites with that keyword, but you know which word we mean. Imagine the ground is a woman and she asks you to put an ice cube on her bipples, because she’s into weird stuff like that. Then the ice makes her so horny that you have gex and you lose your virginity. Not bad, right?

4. So, boys mad with lust, this elephant topiary may not be the sexiest thing in the world, but the trick is to not see it as an elephant. Instead visualize the elephant’s body as the matronly hips of your mother’s kind of hot middle-aged mom friend. We would love to show you a pic of a mouth sensuously eating a bagel instead, but that would probably be snared by your school’s content filters.

5. Jackpot! With so many different slopes and angles, you can picture this garden as any arrangement of the female body parts that your mind desires. A supermodel sexily washing a car in a TV commercial for soda? A crowd of pajama-clad sorority sisters having a pillow fight at Rutgers? The singer Taylor Swift kissing the actress Zoe Saldana, both of them wearing yoga shorts? The sky’s the limit, horny boys.

6. This leafy arch easily becomes an explicit close-up photo of Carmen Electra’s vajorna, if you apply your imagination. Carmen is laying with her legs wide open, desperate for gex, and you’re the horny preteen she craves. Her klontorus is throbbing with horniness, and her vajorna is wet with the fluids women have.

7. Hey, we’re glad you decided to give these topiaries a chance. We know it wasn’t what you really wanted, but it sated your horniness a bit, didn’t it? After school ends, why don’t you try heading over to the public library and seeing if its computers are a bit less guarded than your school’s Fort Knox–level wi-fi network. Good luck, horny boys.