If you want to act like a real New Yorker, you gotta know the rules of the rails.
1. Don’t remove the seats: Hey, buddy, those chairs belong on the train! Cutting out a seat with a hacksaw and taking it home with you is a major subway foul.
2. Never stand in front of the train: It’s tempting to hold the train for a friend by jumping onto the tracks and standing in front of the train, but that delays the whole train and makes everyone late.
3. Avoid swallowing the subway pole: You’ll get major glares if you impale yourself on the subway pole from mouth to rectum. Riders can’t hold on if you’re in the way.
4. If a pregnant woman boards the train, don’t announce she’s carrying the next Hitler: New Yorkers get a bad rap, but they’re actually a pretty courteous bunch. Telling a pregnant woman that her baby will grow up into a genocidal dictator isn’t considered polite.
5. Put your bags on the roof: Sorry, but your bags aren’t entitled to their own seat. Toss them on the roof of the train where they belong.
6. Always perform hip-hop acrobatics: Real New Yorkers can’t get enough of gymnastic feats of agility set to the latest hip-hop tracks. You’re going to get angry looks from fellow straphangers unless you place a boom box on the floor and do some backflips.
7. Don’t spread your legs so wide that they overtake the entire subway car and expand across the known universe: This is just basic etiquette. When you’re sitting down, remember to keep your legs in check and make sure they’re not so wide that they’re overtaking the entire cosmos.
8. If you see something, say something: It can be easy to mess this up, so practice seeing things and saying things before your trip to NYC.
9. Remember that only aspiring actors can say “Next stop, Broadway!”: The train will drop you off at a theater and you will be offered the lead role in their play, which is a waste of everyone’s time if you don’t actually want to become a Broadway star.
10. Don’t kill the train conductor so you can marry his wife: Believe it or not, this isn’t just rude—it’s also illegal. Murdering the train conductor and stealing his family will get you slapped with a hefty fine.
