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The 5 Cattle That Got Into The Mall, Ranked By How Bad They Are At Escalators

Well, wouldn’t you know it—it finally happened. A pack of cattle got into the mall, and boy, did they cause quite the ruckus. Here are all five of those clumsy-as-hell animals, ranked by how bad they are at escalators, from best to worst.

5. The Cow That Couldn’t Stay Standing

Coming in dead last, this cow was—compared to all its lumbering friends—fine at using the escalator. Somehow, heifer No. 5 managed to wander to the mall, through the automatic doors, past the security guard, and onto a functioning escalator while only looking like a minor idiot. After staring blankly at the base of the escalator for about 10 minutes, this cow just decided to plant her front hooves on the moving stairs and let the escalator pull them upwards until she lost her balance. At that point, she fell flat on her stomach and lay splayed on the escalator with her front and back hooves outstretched until she reached the top. Thankfully, she slid off just as animal control was rounding the corner, so she never had the chance to do that again.

4. The Cow That Could Go Up But Not Down

Ranked fourth, which is our second-best spot, we have a cow that was amazing at going up escalators, but absolutely terrible at going down. On the way up, she stepped gently onto the moving stairs, remained upright during the ascent, and even rested her head against the handrail. But on the way down? Disaster. She would stand at the top of an ascending escalator and see that it was coming toward her, but each time, she would take a few steps back, then charge at it at full speed. What resulted was a loud, prolonged fall, where she’d tumble down the entire flight and ultimately crash into a group of shoppers at the bottom. This was a very disruptive cow, but still not the worst.

3. The Cow That Just Screamed

Yes, third place is for the cow that just looked at the escalator and screamed. To be fair, no one should be surprised by this ranking, because this was the same animal that climbed into the mall fountain and started drinking the water and eating the coins people had thrown in there. After rooting around for several hours, she jumped out of the pool, sprinted straight to the base of the escalator, and let out a long scream that echoed through the halls. Pretty pathetic.

2. The Calf Of The Cow That Just Screamed

While cow No. 3 was staring blankly at the mall’s first-floor escalator, she gave birth to a beautiful baby calf, and that calf comes in second on this list. Despite her shaky legs and limited motor skills, this calf was able to take the escalator up two entire floors. She is still considered one of the worst cows, however, because after she went up, her screaming mom started screaming even louder, and all the shoppers at the mall agreed that the calf was actually trying to eat a leaf off a potted plant and was so terrible at walking that she accidentally stepped onto the escalator. What a dolt.

1. The Cow That Got Stuck Rolling At The Base Of The Escalator

Nope. NOPE. Of all the cows, this cow was the worst cow at using escalators by far. You might be asking yourself, why? How could this cow be so bad at using escalators? Well, the cow did two things at the mall: The first thing it did was stumble into a Bath & Body Works and eat a bar of soap. The second thing it did was try to get on an up escalator and immediately collapse. At this point, the cow’s weight caused it to get stuck at the base of the escalator, but the upward motion of the stairs threw its body into a state of constant rolling. It was stuck like this for hours, and when it finally came to, it would kick at every mall security guard who tried to help. Several people were sent flying through store windows before a crane was brought in to remove the cow. So, needless to say, this was the worst of the bovine morons by far.

And that’s it. That’s all the cows and how they were bad. Now that the cows have been removed and put on a truck, though, let’s just pray they cattle-proof the mall, because this can never happen again.