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The 5 Worst Parts Of Being A Woman In A World Where Feet And Hands Are Switched

This is just how things are when you’re female, your hands are attached to your ankles, and your feet are attached to your wrists.

1. Standards of beauty are an absurd burden.

Thanks to the pervasiveness of images like this one, the message from the fashion industry is clear: In a world where feet and hands are switched, it’s about perfection. The perfect nose, the perfect hair, perfectly toned arms leading to dainty feet with perfectly pedicured nails. It’s unrealistic, and it’s harmful. Women don’t have time to spend half an hour every morning straining to reach their hands up to their face to meticulously apply makeup.

2. The. Harassment. Does. Not. End

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It’s your boss putting his foot on your thigh at your performance review. It’s the guy on the street gesturing profanely at you with his foot and making you defensively tighten your grip on the footbag where you store the giant magnifying glass you use to look at things you’re manipulating with your hands but are too far away to see in detail. For a woman in a world where feet and hands are switched, this shit happens every day.

3. You have to ask for help opening tight jars.

Any woman who has ever put foot to jar knows how impossible these lids are to twist off. This leads to the humbling experience of asking another woman (or even worse, a man) to flip upside-down to stand on her feet, then hold you by your feet so that you dangle down, leaving you free to twist open the jar with your hands. The. Worst.

4. Pretty much no one cares about women’s sports.

The numbers are infuriating. LeBron James and Maya Moore are two top players in the exact same sport, yet James makes more than the entire WNBA combined, even though men with feet and hands switched are just as terrible at basketball and insufferable to watch play as women with their feet and hands switched, and no player—male or female—has ever scored more than four points in a game.

What no one seems to talk about is how the fact that having feet on the end of their arms makes men and women equally terrible at sports.

5. Two words: high heels.

They look bad. They feel bad. They make it impossible to turn the steering wheel with your feet. Since you wear them on the end of your arms, they don’t even make you any taller. All of which makes you want to ask, all together now, why are women in a world where feet and hands are switched still expected to wear heels??