Getting sick and going to the hospital is a tricky balancing act. Your disease needs to be scary enough for your ex to rush to the hospital to be with you, but not so bad that you look like a wreck when he gets there. Here are six diseases that get it just right.
1. Pneumonia: Bacterial pneumonia definitely clears the bar in terms of severity. When your ex hears you’re suffering from extreme dehydration and shallow breathing, he’ll drop everything to visit you, and that’s when pneumonia really comes into its own. Your inflamed lungs aren’t going to affect your outward appearance, and your cheeks will even be nice and flushed by the high fever. Your ex will fall back in love with you on the spot. Plus, the more you shiver from the chills, the more likely he is to gently cover you in an extra blanket. There’s no way it’s really over between you two.
2. Severe anemia: Look, you to want to get sick, but not ugly sick. With low hemoglobin levels, you can balance looking vulnerable with looking hot. For starters, you’re going to have an IV in your arm for the blood transfusion—that alone ought to freak your ex out enough to visit and see you still look just as beautiful as the day you first kissed. Then there’s the pervasive fatigue that will make it so you’re always coming in and out of sleep, your eyelashes fluttering delicately. Your internal ability to transport oxygen through your blood supply might be compromised, but on the outside, you’ll be irresistible.
3. Appendicitis: This one is perfect for scaring your ex to his senses. You need surgery and you need it now. Maybe your ex will drive all night to make sure he’s by your side when you come to. The quiet beeping of your vital signs monitor will make you look delicate, but you’re not going to be hooked up to a gross breathing machine or anything. Plus, the surgery will probably make you lose a lot of weight. By the time he gets there to hold your hand as you wake up, you’ll have a killer body.
4. Lyme disease: You might go temporarily blind, but Lyme disease isn’t going to do anything weird to your skin.
5. Cardiac arrhythmia: Although you’ll be in significant pain, the pacemaker, heart surgery, and blood thinners won’t put a dent in your looks. When he hears about your dangerously irregular heartbeat, your ex will rush to the hospital late, past visiting hours, and explain to the nurses that he has to see you, that it’s a matter of fixing proud mistakes and being with the only person who ever made him feel whole. And when he comes in and sees you in a hospital gown that falls off one shoulder, revealing your collarbone and maybe a little cleavage, you’ll look attractive enough and life will look fragile enough that he’ll realize it’s now or never.
6. Bone cancer: The key is to show him how brave you are before chemo starts. He’s not coming back to the hospital with a ring if you don’t have eyebrows.
