Hello internet. Barack Obama here. I just thought I’d hop on ClickHole.com to share my thoughts about something that’s been troubling me recently. You see, last weekend me and Michelle hosted a couples movie night with George and Laura W. Bush, Ozzy and Sharon Osbourne, and George and Amal Clooney. Virgins and lonely people were not allowed. We decided to watch all three Lord Of The Rings movies back-to-back-to-back. The movies are great, and we all had an awesome time, but in my opinion there was something very important missing:
There should be a hobbit that is the president.
As it stands, it is very hard for me to relate to any of the hobbits: They are nerds while I am cool. They eat seeds and bugs while I eat sushi and vegetables. They are married to goblins and elves while I am married to the lovely Michelle. They are South African whereas I am from the United States. They are small guys while I am an enormous guy. There’s just nothing about hobbits that I can identify with, which is why one of them should be the president. If there was a hobbit who was the president I would be able to look at his life and go, “I get it.”
Right now, I just don’t get it. Hobbits are baffling to me. I don’t understand their life. They are like rodents to me and I don’t feel sad when they get eaten by dragons.
Things can be different if they make a hobbit who is the president. Picture this: Frodo and Sam are traveling through Mirkwood Forest on their way to Mordor to destroy the One Ring when they come across a hobbit wearing a suit and tie and wandering around in the woods. Frodo says, “Why do you look so cool and important?” and the hobbit says, “My name is Obama Baggins and I am the President of the United States.” I would immediately be like, “This is my kind of guy. I understand his struggles and his diseases.” I would care about what happened to that character. As a former president who hopes to be president again one day, seeing a hobbit be the president would make me feel seen and understood.
It’s so easy to make a hobbit be the president. Movie magic has advanced so much since J.R.R. Tolkien made the first ‘Lord Of The Rings’ trilogy. You can now use new technologies like CGI and Ozempic to make a hobbit who is the president and plop him into the original films. I will see him be the president and I will smile and know about his life. If there was a hobbit who was the president I would buy his Funko Pop and put it on the desk of my cubicle at Netflix. My friends President W. George W. Bush and President Jimmy Creature would also like it because they also used to be president and they also want to see a hobbit be the president.
Thank you very much for reading my diary on ClickHole.com. I have to go back to work now or my boss at Netflix will fire me. Her name is Mandy and she sucks. She never lets me go on vacation. She made me write a whole season of Wednesday by myself. I hope that J.R.R. Tolkien takes my suggestion seriously and we soon see a hobbit who is the president. Thank you for living the Obama Lifestyle with me, and until we meet again, let’s all salute the flag of our country all the time. I love you and I can’t wait to be your president again.
Sincerely,
Barack Obama
