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This List Is The Closest Thing To An Afterlife Clams Are Ever Going To Get

We’ve combed through all the major religious texts, and, sadly, we can’t find any evidence that clams will get to experience any kind of afterlife. While clams aren’t exactly the most exciting creatures, they’re nonetheless living beings just like us, and we think they deserve some sort of special experience after they die. So while it’s not much, here’s at least a small approximation of an afterlife for all the clams out there to enjoy.  

Right off the bat, let’s say that if a clam’s been virtuous and maybe pushed a drowning senior citizen back to shore at some point or even just prayed once or twice, it finally gets to chow down on a burger. That’s gotta be an improvement on whatever shitty ocean food clams normally eat, right? They’re still filter feeders, though, so the burgers are really small, like sand-sized, and they’re just kind of floating around. Enjoy, clams! Here is your eternal reward!

 

Guess we should establish the terrain too, so how about if Clam Heaven’s just a nice, big beach? Seems like it fits their vibe. This beach is danger-free, too—no stray dogs to chew the clams up, no fast food bags to get trapped in, no beachgoers trying to pry them open under the mistaken belief that they’re harboring pearls. Just fun in the sun, chill tunes, and all the tiny burgers you can eat. 

 

AWOOGAH! Congratulations, pious clams, because this jaw-dropping clam hottie is gonna pleasure you over and over again for all of time! Pretty good ROI given that you only live for, like, six or whatever years to begin with. 

 

The god of clams is just good ol’ Ra, by the way. The sun and clams are his two things. He’s a stern but loving god, and if you encounter him in the clam afterlife, he’ll probably give you a nice pat on the shell or maybe even invite you back to his obelisk to become his new concubine. 

 

Alright, if all that was the carrot, then here’s the stick: Take a good fucking look at Clam Hell. Any clams who have lunged at a toddler or angrily grunted the F word? Your little clam asses are getting roasted Hieronymus Bosch-style for all eternity. Or maybe you’re the heinous clam who head-butted Steve Irwin to death, in which case you’re definitely fucked. Beware, clams! Remain righteous and pure-hearted in your deeds, or else be forever served up at an all-you-can-eat clambake!

 

This is Clam Satan. Don’t let the smile fool you, ‘cause he is every sinful clam’s worst nightmare. He will spank you with a metal spatula. He will use you as an air hockey puck or a pog. He’ll order you to store his retainer inside your shell. He’ll force you into a Human Centipede-type situation with a bunch of other sinner clams, and he’ll do all these things on Day 1 of your time in Clam Hell. You do not want to get on his bad side.   

 

Last stop is Clam Purgatory. Maybe the clams here briefly coveted a neighbor clam’s wife but then felt super shitty about it and stopped, or maybe the clams were simply unbaptized. Maybe they once got a clam abortion but later repented. Whatever the case, if you end up here, you’re gonna be stuck here for a couple hundred years until you’re ready for your next destination.

Anyway, clams, hope you enjoyed this afterlife simulation. It’s admittedly unremarkable compared to what those of us with souls get to experience, but for creatures like you with extremely low intelligence, it should probably suffice.