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Treats For A Woman

O, Woman! Wonderful woman. You work so hard, and for you there must be gifts and treats. Please accept them—you must have them (immediately). Here they are: treats for a woman…yes!

1. Comb

One hundred dollars is the cost of this fine comb, but no dollar amount could be too high for a woman! You are a mother, a worker, and a girl, and it is only fair that this comb is for you. Do not deny yourself—have it and hold it in your small hands. Run it through your tresses and rejoice! It is a treat (one you deserve). It is for your hair.

2. Raspberry Tea

Mmmm…tea. Yes. This is the delicacy a woman wants. After a long woman’s day, there are times when you must sit and sip. This tea, tea of berries, will improve your spirit. Your life is full of difficulties, such as disrespect at workplace and weak bones. Dampen your woman’s grief with tea. You must.  

3. Vase

Woman, throughout history, has been a difficult person to be. But all that has changed, and you must celebrate with Vase. No matter your shape, size, job, or height, woman, there can indeed be a Vase in your home that is yours, as a treat. When you look in the mirror, do not despair, because you can be a Vase Lady. You are Enough. Do not forget this, woman! 

(NOTE: A vase can be found at The Store.)

4. The Saint Louis Arch

Ms. Woman, you are in luck, because here is the world’s largest treat for you! It is the enormous frown called the Saint Louis Arch, and it loves to be worshiped! It is your favorite shape, the shape of eyebrows and of necklaces, and it serves no purpose whatsoever! Please, travel to the Middle West so you may see this towering treat that every woman covets.

5. Cushion

Many treats for a woman can be found on, such as this breathtaking luxury cushion. Did you know that a cushion can go underneath or behind you? And that it has a nice soft feeling that will calm you during womanly tantrums? Please, do not be rude, accept this opulent cushion so you may rest your woman’s back. The time has come. When your woman friends arrive at your house for Woman’s Gossip Hour and see your cushion, they will say “fuck you” with jealousy, and you will feel superior and proud. How lucky you are to be spoiled with this cushion.   

6. Personal Computer

A computer of your own??? Is this Heaven? No, woman, Heaven is a lie, but this computer is not. It is a treat, and it is real. Let it empower you to “surf” the web so that you may discover woman’s websites. There is no telling what facts and figures you may come across during your computer time, but suffice it to say, they will be great in number. You will not be able to stop clicking your mouse even if you want to!

7. Small Shark

They call this shark “The Woman’s Shark,” and for good reason. It is the perfect companion to be enjoyed by a lady as she does her dances or crafts. As they say, “A shark in a basin is a treat for the kitchen!” So true. For you to have this shark would mean endless happiness. Pet him, sing to him, behold his silent roaming! Yes! Have this shark, and cry and spin beneath the full moon, knowing that he is a treat, and he is yours. Woman, you are strong and you are worthy. Enjoy this small shark. You must.