Your mom has sacrificed so much for you over the years, and Mother’s Day is the perfect opportunity to show how grateful you are for her. Here are some ideas to make her feel extra loved on her special day.
1. Let her win at boxing.
Look, she’s obviously too old and frail to ever actually win on her own, but it’d be sweet if you let her believe otherwise by not beating the shit out of her too much. Just say “ow” a lot as she pitifully thrashes at you and it will for sure boost her spirits.
2. Become small.
She loved you when you were small and often fondly reminisces about it, so why not become small for her again? It will make her so happy to be able to hold you in her arms and feed you milk from a bottle.
3. Breed her up a nice big batch of chinchillas.
Chinchillas are soft and adorable, which means your mom will probably like them. But at around $150 a pop, a nice big batch of them can really add up. That’s why you’ll want to start with a few breeding pairs, allow them to mate, and then give her the whole cuddly mess. It will seem like you spent thousands of dollars on making her feel special when in reality it only cost you $600 and a few garbage bags of lettuce.
4. Let her splash around the car wash for a little while.
Set a timer for 15 minutes and let her loose! She’ll be wide-eyed with wonder as she slowly rides down the conveyor through a sudsy wonderland of rotating brushes, industrial pressure washers, high-power chemical applicators, and pneumatic air cannons. She deserves nothing less!
5. Search “clay aiken + bulge” on Google Images and let her scroll through the results.
You know it’s what she wants. But she hasn’t figured out how to use Google Images on her own yet, so it’s up to you to unlock this world of endless carnal pleasure for her.
6. Let her know how much time you spend compulsively worrying about her eventual death.
There’s no better way to make your mom feel loved than to describe to her in extreme detail how you regularly stay up at night ruminating on her advancing age, wondering just how badly your world will be shattered by her passing and whether you will even be able to go on without her. Remind her that any minor health problem of hers results in an hours-long spiral of fear and sadness that leaves you self-medicating with wine and Ativan—she’ll absolutely love hearing about how much she means to you!
7. Get her her own Cartman plushie so she’ll stop obsessing over yours.
She’s been eyeing yours for years, and it’s time she had a Cartman of her own.
8. Use deepfake technology to make her think Grandma is alive.
Technology has made it easier than ever to deceive people into thinking their loved ones have returned from the dead, and by creating a hyper-realistic, AI-generated video of your deceased Grandma telling your mom that she has returned from ghost college to be part of the family again, you can be sure that your mom will be screaming and screaming with happiness all day long.
9. Stop shaking your head and muttering “This is bullshit” every time she talks to you.
Yes, everything she says is stupid bullshit, but you can show her just how much you appreciate her by not saying that out loud for a day.
10. Take her to Staples and tell her she can pick out any replacement ink cartridge she wants.
It’s no big secret that your mom loves printer ink, but normally she feels guilty going with the expensive name brand replacement cartridges and ends up with the inferior generic stuff. Let her know that she deserves any single ink cartridge on the shelves at Staples, cost be damned. The look of childlike joy on her face when she walks out with that genuine Epson cartridge is going to be well worth the $28 you spend on it.
11. Two words: Sloppy Joes!
Need we say more?
12. Dig her grave.
Let’s face it, digging a grave is a big chore, and it’s the last thing anyone wants to think about as they grow old. Relieve your mom of this burden so she can cross it off her to-do list and live out her remaining years with peace of mind that when she dies there’s a deep, dark hole in the ground ready and waiting for her corpse.
13. Wash her in the sink, just like she did for you so many years ago.
Pick her up, plop her in the kitchen sink, and make sweet cooing sounds at her as you tenderly wash her clean of dirt and grime. She did this for you all the time when you were a baby, and it’s about time you returned the favor.
14. Fuck it, take that bitch to Benihana!
Shit, you know what? To hell with all those other ideas—your mom deserves the absolutely finest, and that means you gotta take her to Benihana. Set that fabulous bitch down in front of the hibachi and treat her to all the shrimps she can stomach. Make her feel like the queen she is.