Clapping has been around for so long that it hardly means anything anymore. If you really want to show your appreciation, try one of these next-level clapping alternatives.
1. Stop breathing: Looking to take your appreciation game up a notch? Nothing like a purplish face and bulging temple veins to say “I enjoyed this performance.”
2. Tweet “I rejoice!” to the official White House Twitter account: Don’t just let the performer know you enjoyed the performance. Up your game and tell the president.
3. Momentarily stop wailing: Sometimes the absence of sound can be more meaningful than sound itself. Why not try suspending your mournful howling as a superior substitute to applause?
4. Offer great discounts on beauty products through Mary Kay: As an empowered Mary Kay beauty consultant, you’re uniquely qualified to give the gift of younger skin to those you admire through exclusive promo codes for Mary Kay makeup and skin care products.
5. Lie prostrate for six hours: Because why give a standing ovation when you could lie full-length on the flat ground in a show of prolonged reverence and submission?
6. Whistle in a pitch that’s too high to be detected by human ears but that sends an intense, euphoric warmth through bodily organs: This can be achieved by putting two fingers beneath the tip of your tongue, rolling your eyes back, thinking about God, and then blowing as forcefully as you possibly can.
7. Boneless clapping: Clap like you’ve always clapped, only take the bones out of your hands.
8. Cut up every gift card in your wallet: What better way to say “I loved this performance!” than to cut up every single gift card in your wallet so they can never be redeemed?
9. Loudly exclaim “pleasure!” over and over again: For added effect, cool yourself with a large, ornate fan while doing so.
10. Slaughter a calf to invoke the spirit of Laetitia, Goddess of Gaiety and Celebration: She will then materialize from the ether and joyously hurl apples and spears unto the mortals assembled below. You’ll never go back to low-level hand-on-hand clapping!
11. Say the Pledge of Allegiance: Demonstrate that you enjoyed a performance by expressing fealty to the great nation that made freely enjoying such performances possible.
12. Clap the hands of a virgin: Just reach over and smack together the untarnished hands of a young, radiant virgin, whose symbolically pure applause carries vastly greater significance than anything your vulgar paws could ever muster.
13. Rub your hands so hard and fast that a fire starts: This is a touching and thoughtful way to really show your admiration.
