Going on Shark Tank without a clear pitch can have devastating consequences for everyone involved. The people of Norway know this well, and for hundreds of years they have been telling vibrant and enchanting fairy tales designed to teach children about the proper way to behave when presenting your business ideas to the sharks. There are thousands of such fairy tales, and we’ve compiled translations of a few of our favorites for you to enjoy. Here are three classic Norwegian fairy tales that parents in the olden days used to scare children out of going on Shark Tank without a clear pitch.
1. The Tale Of The Fox Who Had A Vague Idea For A Sponge
Once upon a time there was a fox who lived in a deep, dark forest on the outskirts of Oslo. One day a bear came to his den and said, “Little fox, little fox, pay me eight million kroner so that I can live a life of luxury or else I will gobble you up!”
The fox was very clever, so he thought of a plan. He said to the bear, “Mr. Bear, if you please, I do not have eight million kroner with me in my burrow, but I have an idea that is worth 10 times that amount. My idea is a business that sells a cool new type of sponge that solves all your problems. If you take this idea and pitch it on Shark Tank, you’ll be rewarded with a lucrative business that will bring in far more than a measly eight million kroner!”
The bear said, “You are a fool to give away such a valuable idea so willingly, little fox, but I can understand why you would do it: you are afraid of me because of my claws and jaws and teeth like saws. I will take your sponge idea and pitch it on Shark Tank and become very rich.”
When the bear went on Shark Tank he said, “I have a business idea. The idea is to sell a good sponge.”
The sharks were bewildered. Mr. Wonderful asked, “What makes this sponge different from other sponges?”
And the bear said, “I don’t know. I suppose because it solves all your problems.”
And Mark Cuban asked, “How does the sponge solve your problems?”
And the bear said, “I hadn’t really thought about that.”
And Lori Greiner asked, “How is this different from the Scrub Daddy?”
And the bear said, “Well, my sponge isn’t a face.”
And Lori Greiner replied, “That’s not a good thing. It’s not a good thing when your sponge isn’t a face. You should have thought of that.”
All of the sharks passed on the bear’s pitch and as punishment for his bad sponge idea, they sentenced him to be turned into a rug for boring people to have sex on.
The moral of the story is: Never go on Shark Tank without a clear pitch.
The End.
2. The Tale Of The Baker And The Kitchen Elf [Kjøkkenalv]
Once upon a time there was a little baker man who baked bread and cakes for the people of his town. He was a talented baker, but one day his wicked nasty son abandoned him in the night and stole all his recipes so that he could start his own baking business in fancy Oslo where all the movie stars live.
“What am I to do,” said the baker. “Without my recipes, I won’t be able to bake, and if I cannot bake I will surely starve.”
The little baker man began to weep. Then he heard a little voice in the oven say, “I can help you!”
The little baker man looked in the oven and saw a kitchen elf [Kjøkkenalv]. “What can you do to help me?” asked the little baker man. “I’ll do anything.”
“You should sell this muffin I baked,” said the kitchen elf. And he gave the baker a muffin. It was the most delicious muffin he had ever tasted.
“If I could sell these muffins, I would be rich enough to buy a golden sword and use it to kill my son!” said the little baker man. “I will go on Shark Tank and secure funding for this exciting new business venture.”
So the little baker man went on Shark Tank and said, “I’m going to sell the muffins that the kitchen elf in my oven bakes. They are the most delicious muffins in the world.”
Mr. Wonderful asked, “How many muffins does your kitchen elf bake per day?”
And the little baker man said, “He only made the one muffin, but I think he can make more.”
And Mark Cuban said, “You don’t even know if you’ll be able to make more muffins?
And the little baker man said, “I should have checked with him before I came on the show.”
And Lori Greiner said, “Check with the kitchen elf to see if he can make more muffins and then come back to us.”
The little baker man went back to his kitchen, but when he got there the kitchen elf had stolen all his silverware and left. He never saw him again. Two days later he starved to death because his business failed. His son who stole all his recipes had an amazing life
The moral of the story is: Never go on Shark Tank unless you can discuss the logistics of your supply chain in detail.
The End
3. The Tale Of The Witch Who Thought She Had Invented The Idea For QVC
Once upon a time there was a witch who lived in the forest on the outskirts of Oslo. One day her landlord, who happened to be Shawn White’s cousin, came to her hut in the forest and said, “We are raising the rent on this hut by two hundred kroner per month.”
The witch said, “That is exorbitant and I can’t afford it. I don’t care who your cousin is, I will not pay this rent to you.” And her landlord said, “If you do not pay your rent then I will be very, very, very disappointed in you.” And then her landlord went back to his house to read books written by Karl Marx and Mao Zedong where they say all sorts of nasty things about landlords.
The witch decided to summon a demon to give her an idea about how to make a lot of money in a short amount of time. The demon she summoned was named Richard Horrible and he was a nasty demon in every way. He said to the witch, “You should invent a business to become wealthy beyond your wildest dreams.” And the witch said, “I have a great idea for a business. I will sell pots and pans on TV. I love to gobble up children because I’m a witch.”
Then the witch went on Shark Tank to pitch her idea about selling pots and pans on TV. She spent the first two minutes of her pitch explaining to the sharks why she thought “Shark Tank” should be spelled as one word, like “Sharktank.” The sharks agreed that some of her arguments made sense, but they ultimately didn’t think the issue was important enough to spend any time thinking about.
Then the witch pitched her idea for a business where you sell pots and pans on TV.
Mr. Wonderful said, “This is the greatest business idea I’ve ever sat around hearing about. I will invest one million kroner.”
And Mark Cuban said, “Ever since an unknown and doubtlessly hideous scientist invented the television, mankind has searched for a way to use it to sell pots and pans. At last, a humble witch has discovered the path. I’ve always known that one day a witch would share an interesting idea with me. I never would have guessed it would involve pots and pans. I will also invest one million kroner.”
Then Lori Greiner said, “This is my idea and it’s QVC. I invented this idea in ancient days while traveling in the mountains. I sell pots and pans and so much more on the TV and it earns me serious kroner. It’s how I make enough money to pay my ridiculous rent to Shawn White’s cousin. You did an idea that was already existing as mine and so get away from me and my friends.”
The witch was sent home empty-handed. She thought her landlord was going to yell at her about the rent, but when she got home her landlord informed her that something violent and interesting had happened in the government and the new people in charge were saying that landlords weren’t allowed to collect rent anymore. The witch was happy about that, but she decided she would have been even happier if instead she had become fabulously rich on Shark Tank and everyone still had to pay rent.
The moral of the story is: Always do market research to see if your business idea already exists before you pitch it on Shark Tank.
The End
