Squidward J. Q. Tentacles…what are we going to do with you? Sigh. Everyone wants to masturbate to Squidward, but sometimes, he can make it almost impossible (almost). Here are three things that turn jerking off to Squidward into a serious uphill battle.
1. His negative attitude
Ugh. A squid who walks upright, plays the clarinet, and lives next to SpongeBob?! Everything about Squidward checks out as premium spank-bank material…except his poor attitude. Each time he makes a condescending remark to SpongeBob and Patrick, or acts like he’s above working at the Krabby Patty, or complains about Bikini Bottom, finishing a Squidward cum tribute becomes 50 times more difficult than it should be. Being an insecure stick-in-the-mud isn’t sexy, Squidward! Nothing undercuts the joy of self-pleasure quicker than a cynical squid – ask literally anyone who’s ever touched themselves.
2. His ugly shirt
To see a masturbator’s dream squid dress like such a bum…our genitals are cringing just by thinking about that hideous polo of his. Not only does the brown clash with Squidward’s natural squid color, but generally, very few squids can pull off the ‘polo shirt and nude from the waist-down’ look. Squidward isn’t one of them. Let’s just say Squidward’s gifts lie elsewhere than fashion (i.e. in making us squirt). If it were up to us, Squidward wouldn’t wear any top at all, but sadly it isn’t, and we have to abuse our privates that much harder to overcome that absolute turnoff of a shirt.
3. His baldness
Close your eyes and imagine Squidward’s body. Is there any part of his physique that doesn’t make you want to drop your drawers and crust up a Kleenex? If so, you’re almost certainly thinking of Squidward’s baldness. Remembering that Squidward is bald makes us go limp mid-thrust into our own clenched fist – there’s a reason that the Squidward of your onanist fantasies is always donning the hat he wears on the job at the Krabby Patty! Thankfully, the rest of Squidward’s body is cumworthy enough to distract from his baldness. Yup, as difficult as Squidward can make it for us to masturbate to him, we will never, ever stop. Ever!
