Dad can hold his own with elements like earth and water no problem, but unfortunately, the same just can’t be said for wind. Here are four times the might of air and sky proved wholly insurmountable despite the big guy’s best efforts.
1. When wind grilled his favorite hat beyond recovery
Every weekend, Dad lights up the ol’ Weber and shouts “See how I bend the fearsome might of flame to my own will, subduing it to serve Man’s desire within a cage of metals of the earth!” It’s true that he gets a great char on the kielbasa, and his dominion over fire is nothing we’d dispute. However, wind can totally upend this dynamic. Case in point: Last August, Dad busted out the grill for Mom’s birthday, despite us warning him that the forecast showed 40 MPH gusts and cooking indoors might be safer. “What do I have to fear from that feeblest of elements, wind?” laughed Dad as he donned his prized “WOMEN LOVE ME, THE ELEMENTS (COWARDS ALL) FEAR ME” cap and and flipped off the sky in defiance. Yet no sooner had he set the grill alight and picked up a kielbasa that a great breeze blew the cap onto the searing grate and slammed the Weber’s lid down after it. Dad scrambled to pry the jammed lid open, but by the time he finally did his hand-embroidered hat was little more than ash. Though Dad tries to save face by spinning this a cautionary tale of fire’s unpredictable fury, it’s better understood as a clear case of wind showing Dad who’s boss.
2. When wind got his ass kicked by the Secret Service for nutshotting Obama
Dad always books a family vacation to Hawaii in the summer because he considers swimming there a kind of victory lap over water. “See how the infinite ocean surrounds me on all sides, and still its raging torrents serve only as playthings for my amusement!” he’ll yell back at us from the surf, and it’s true that his graceful, dolphin-like movements are those of water’s unambiguous master. But this can make him cocky, and when he’s cocky, it’s not long before he gets in over his head with wind. Last year for instance, he capped off a morning of majestic butterfly stroke swimming by striding up the beach and whipping out a kite none of us had seen him pack. “Man is suzerain of ALL the elements, and now wind must be my jester,” he told us as he launched it skyward, heedless of our obvious unease. Well, he got maybe 10 seconds of good flying in before a furious gale kicked up and dragged him miles down the beach to Barack Obama’s private residence, where it then cut out entirely to drop the kite straight down onto 44’s recumbent dick and nuts. Dad tried to convince Obama’s Secret Service guys that wind’s fickle roguery was to blame for this outrage, but they just looked at the string leading from the kite to Dad’s hand and unleashed several hours of judo techniques on his ass while the wind howled in fitful bursts that for all the world sounded like laughter.
3. When wind bought him non-refundable tickets to Post Malone
A few weeks back Dad called everybody up to his study where he sat with a hand resting on his MacBook Air. “The lightning that once herded our terrified ancestors into caves now sits tamed within this box like the oxen within their yoke, and I am using it to buy us all tickets to see Bruce Springsteen.” Dad’s love for The Boss knows no bounds, and while he pulled up Ticketmaster and selected his seats, we silently prayed for his pride not to get the better of him. Alas, as he went to finalize his order, that familiar smirk spread over his face before he turned to the ever-so-slightly ajar window of his study and muttered, “Suck my cock, wind.” How quickly his arrogance turned to horror as a forceful gust shot through the room and knocked books off their shelves and onto the laptop, clattering down in the exact keystrokes necessary to cancel his order and complete a new one for four tickets to see Post Malone. Dad stubbornly attended the concert in hopes of turning the tables on wind by actually having a great time, but he winced every time Post Malone said something, which was often, and had a full-on panic attack from “Takin’ Shots” onward.
4. When wind slew his mother
If there’s one defining L in Dad’s yearslong rivalry with wind, it’s this: One day as a young man, his mother bade him go into the woods and hunt something for a great feast. “Take a beast of the earth or fish of the streams, and we will roast it over flame to celebrate Man’s ascendancy over nature. Only heed my warning: You must not take a bird of the sky, for they belong to wind, and wind’s cunning surpasses even our own.” Dad set forth into the forest, but all day long he found no game, and fish spurned his baited line. Finally, as the last light waned, he spied a plump pheasant, and exhausted from his fruitless hours of searching, he loosed an arrow into its side and ventured home with his ill-omened quarry. “O foolish son, you have damned us!” his mother cried as he carried the bird into their cottage, but before Dad could even explain himself, the roof of their home tore away with a splintering clash. A whirling funnel cloud reached down and snatched the pheasant from Dad’s grasp, and carried it, his bow, and his wailing mother off into the churning sky. Dad may have sworn unending vengeance on the wind from that day forward, but frankly, it’s bested him at every turn, and much as we love the guy, we’re betting that it always will!
