Last week I watched a movie called E.T. about a hideous Yoda guy named E.T. who eats Reese’s Pieces he finds on the ground until they lead him to a new friend named Elliott. Now when I see a trail of Reese’s Pieces on the ground, I follow it out of hope that it might lead to a new friend. Unfortunately, the past several times that this has happened, instead of bringing to a new friend, the trail of Reese’s Pieces has led me to the stage of a large arena where teenagers pulled my pants down in front of my family.
1. The time I saw a trail of Reese’s Pieces on the streets of New York City and wound up in Madison Square Garden, where teens pulled my pants down in front of my entire family and thousands of strangers.
I was in New York City on a business trip when I saw a trail of Reese’s Pieces on the sidewalk. I remembered how in E.T., the Yoda-looking supermodel named E.T. followed a trail of candy to a brand-new friend, and so I decided I would do the same thing. I got on my hands and knees and started eating the Reese’s Pieces while crawling down the New York City sidewalk. Someone shouted, “Get out of the way,” and I said, “When I finish eating this candy off the ground, my new friend and I are going to come back here and beat you up.” I followed the trail of Reese’s Pieces into a dark room where I could not see anything. I shouted into the darkness, “Hello, my name is Heinrich and I am ready to be your friend!” At that moment the lights came on and I found myself standing onstage at Madison Square Garden in front of 20,000 people. Then some teens from my neighborhood came up behind me and pulled my pants down so my ball bag, ass, and ding-dong (Penis) were exposed to the whole crowd, who all started pointing at laughing at me. In the front row I saw my entire family, and when they saw my pants go down, they lost all respect for me. My dad was there and he screamed, “The only Penis I’ve seen that’s smaller than his is my own!” and then he high-fived my wife. My son Jeffrey, usually so well-behaved, was giving me the middle finger and he said, “Dad, your ass looks like you rented it from a mummy.” The Jumbotron started showing a live-feed of my scrotal ball sack and the whole crowd started chanting, “Kill him! Kill him! Kill him!” I burst into tears and ran offstage with my pants around my ankles.
2. The time I left an important business meeting because I saw a trail of Reese’s Pieces outside the conference room and wound up in the Staples Center, home of the LA Lakers, where teens revealed my bare buttocks and ding-dong (Penis) to a jeering multitude that included all my most cherished loved ones.
I was in the middle of giving the most important presentation of my career in front of several executives of my company, including the CEO, when I caught sight of a trail of Reese’s Pieces on the floor outside the conference room. I immediately halted my presentation and said, “Excuse me, ladies and gentlemen, but I need to eat food off the floor in order to make a new friend, just like that Yoda guy, E.T.” I got on my hands and knees and crawled out of the conference room and started eating the Reese’s Pieces, following the trail out of the building and into the street. After following the trail of candy for a few days, I found myself in a darkened room. I said, “Hello, new friend. I’m Heinrich the nice man! Let’s do an activity together.” At that moment, the lights came on, and I discovered that I was standing onstage at the fabulous Staples Center before a totally packed house. Immediately after this, a group of teens I had never seen before in my life pulled my pants down in front of everyone. People started laughing and throwing garbage at me, and I saw my family sitting in a luxury box, looking through opera glasses at my ball sack and my ball bag and my ding-dong (Penis). I called to them, “Family! I love you so much! Do not be afraid of me just because my pants are down! Let’s go home and read each other Smashing Pumpkins lyrics like we did in happier times!” But it was too late. Now that my pants were down, my family had lost all respect for me. My mom and dad were both there and they were holding up a sign that said, “We had an imaginary son named Fuck-Man, whom we loved more than you!” My wife, Lilith, once the joy of my heart, pointed at my Penis and said, “Eek! A cricket!” and then started making out with a shirtless man who was very muscular. My son, Jeffrey, usually so well-behaved, flipped me off with his middle finger and shouted, “Dad, your ass looks like it crawled out of your butt!” I tried to pull up my pants, but I pulled them up too fast and ended up giving myself an atomic wedgie. I ran offstage in tears with my underwear pulled over my head. The Reese’s Pieces had once again betrayed me and led me into the treacherous hands of the teens.
3. The time I jumped out of a moving car to eat Reese’s Pieces off the ground and eventually found myself onstage at Shakespeare’s Globe Theater, where my genitals and pubic farmland were revealed to my family and many others.
I was driving my car to an important doctor’s appointment where surgeons were going to perform life-saving surgery on my heart and lungs. I was on the highway when I saw a trail of Reese’s Pieces leading off the side of the road and into the forest. I immediately realized that these could lead me to a new friend who wanted to do friend activities like go fishing or shoot a flip flop off my head with an AK-47. In honor of E.T., I opened the door of my moving car and rolled out onto the street as my car careened at 70 miles per hour off the road and into a tree, where it burst into flames. I crawled on my hands and knees eating the Reese’s Pieces, following the trail for miles and miles. With each bite, I grew more excited to meet my new friend.
The trail of candy ended in a dark room and I excitedly said, “Hello new friend! It is I, Heinrich, the honest gentleman! I cannot wait to go on a bike ride with you and talk about our favorite movies!” That was when the lights turned on and instead of a new friend I found myself in England’s historic Globe Theater, home to the plays of William Shakespeare, which was packed with hundreds of people. “Where is my new friend?” I asked, and that is when a group of about 40 teenagers came onstage and pulled my pants down. “No! Not again!” I screamed as my buttocks unrolled like a scroll to the whole theater. My Penis, ball sack, and ball bag were also quite visible. I looked down and, to my horror, I discovered my family seated in the front row cackling at my humiliation. I said to them, “Please, family, I’m still me even though my pants fell down! Let’s go on vacation to a water treatment plant like we did in happier times!” but it was too late: they didn’t respect me anymore because the teens had pulled my pants down. My son Jeffrey, usually so well-behaved, saw my ass and said, “Dad, because of your ass, my new dad is Marilyn Manson.” My mom and dad were there and they were holding up a sign that said, “When you were 10 years old we paid a witch $10,000 to turn you into a dinner plate, but she got hit by a bus before she could finish the spell.” My wife, Lilith, once the joy of my heart, called my Penis a rat and then started Googling the phrase “How to divorce someone so hard that they get diarrhea” on her iPad.
Worst of all, my pubic farmland was revealed to all, and many people in the crowd shouted that it seemed like my pubic farmland could grow vegetables. I tried to tell them that my pubic farmland was desolate and only good for growing hair, but they said they didn’t believe me. I burst into tears and tried to pull up my pants, but I grabbed my shirt instead and yanked it off so that I was completely nude except for my baseball cleats. I ran offstage weeping and friendless.
After this ordeal I tried to reschedule my life-saving surgery, but the lady on the phone said that the hospital had been shut down and turned into a high-kill dog shelter.
4. The time I was meeting a new friend, but then abandoned him because I saw a trail of Reese’s Pieces and thought they might lead to a better friend (only to find that they led to Nassau Coliseum, home of the New York Islanders, where teens pulled my pants down in front of my family).
I went to my local barber shop yesterday and I saw a man there who was wearing the same T-shirt as me (it’s a shirt with a picture of the band KISS saying, “Thanks, but you’re the real hero” to the Wolfman). I got really excited and said, “Hey! We’ve got the same shirt! Let’s be friends!” and the man said, “Wow of course! My name is Dennis and I am religious!” I was about to ask Dennis some friendship ice-breaker questions like if anyone he knew had ever been struck and killed by a meteor when out of the corner of my eye I saw a trail of Reese’s Pieces. I said to Dennis, “Actually, I’m going to eat this candy off the floor like E.T. to see if I can meet someone better than you. Goodbye.” Then I got down on my hands and knees and started eating the Reese’s Pieces off the ground on all-fours like a dog.
I followed the trail of candy for miles and miles and once again found myself in a dark room. I excitedly shouted, “Hello, new friend! It’s Heinrich! I abandoned Dennis to hang out with you!” At that moment the lights came on and I found myself standing onstage at the Nassau Coliseum (home of the New York Islanders) in front of 30,000 people. Then, like clockwork, a group of teens sprinted out and pulled my pants down in front of the whole crowd. To my horror, I saw my family seated in the back row of the coliseum. Then I saw that they were also in the front row of the coliseum, so they were seeing me pantsless both up close and from far away—the worst possible combination. I told them to look away from my genitals and buttocks, but instead they looked at them harder. They scrutinized my pubic farmland and they lost all respect for me. My parents were pointing at laughing at me and my mom said, “When you were an infant I made you breastfeed from the family dog and that’s why you went bald in third grade!” Then she cackled like a witch and kissed my father passionately.
My son Jeffrey, usually so well-behaved, gave me the middle finger by flipping me the bird. He laughed at my Penis and pubic farmland and told me that his new dad Marilyn Manson was teaching him a form of martial arts that only worked on me. My wife, Lilith, once the joy of my heart, said my Penis looked like “Herman Munster’s prom date,” which I didn’t fully understand, but it still hurt. Then I saw her use her iPad to Google “How to make your husband get struck by lightning every time you have sex with your secret muscular boyfriend.”
I tried to pull my pants up, but instead I accidentally hit a button that said “Hornets,” which caused a swarm of hornets to fly out of a hatch in the floor and start stinging my ass and body. I screamed and ran offstage with my pants around my ankles while everyone in the arena jeered.
After so many humiliations I considered giving up following trails of Reese’s Pieces, but then I decided: No! No, I will not allow the teens who pull my pants down to harden my heart to the possibility of new friends. Just like the ugly Yoda man E.T., whenever I see a trail of Reese’s Pieces on the ground, I will get down on my hands and knees and start eating them and follow where they lead. 99 times out of 100 times they may lead to an arena stage where my ding-dong (Penis) and pubic farmland are exposed to my family and thousands of strangers, but I will never lose hope in that one time out of 100 when the candy leads me to a new friend and we can do friendship activities together like roll around in mud or pretend to kill each other with knives. My pants may be down, my ball sack and ball bag may be exposed, but my arms are open, and open they shall stay. For the rest of my days, I will always be crawling toward my new friend, eating Reese’s Pieces off the floor along the way.