These days everyone is getting all fancy and insisting on using a hearse to cart their dead relatives around from place to place. This is nonsense. Hearses are frivolous luxuries that should only be used to transport courageous heroes like video game designers and the heavy metal guys who can play guitar super fast. If you’re not a video game designer or a heavy metal speed demon, then you are a normal person and you do not need your corpse to be shuttled around in a hearse. In fact, when it comes to moving dead people from place to place, a wheelbarrow works just as well as a hearse with none of the extra expense or ostentatious bells and whistles. Don’t believe it? Here are five beautiful wheelbarrows that prove you don’t need a hearse to transport a dead body.
1.
This wheelbarrow has got it all: a wheel, a barrow part of it, a handle, all the whole thing. Basically, this has everything you need to lug a corpse down to the cemetery. You don’t need an engine that can drive the corpse at 600 miles per hour or however fast hearses usually drive. You just need the wheelbarrow.
2.
If you thought there was only one wheelbarrow in the entire world, think again! You can also use this second wheelbarrow to transport your corpses wherever you want. Some people might say something like, “I can’t use this wheelbarrow because the cemetery is too far away.” People who say this are maniacs and we should treat them badly. If you live too far away from the cemetery to push a wheelbarrow there, you should buy a new house closer to the cemetery. It’s as simple as that. And then once you live in your new house you can toss your dead bodies into this wheelbarrow and get them to the graveyard in a matter of minutes—no hearse required!
3.
Picture this: you’re driving a hearse with six of your handsome dead uncles inside of it. You are flying down the highway at five times the speed of sound. People on the side of the road are screaming at you, “Slow down! There’s no rush to get to the cemetery! Those corpses will still be dead no matter when you get there!” But you do not listen to them. You have become corrupted by the unbridled horsepower of your hearse. You are in such a rush to get to the cemetery that you slam into a tree. The hearse instantly explodes into a giant ball of flame, killing you and all six of your dead uncles. It’s a devastating tragedy that could have been avoided by choosing a slow and sensible wheelbarrow instead of a hearse.
4.
Some wheelbarrows don’t even need wheels to get corpses to the cemetery! This is a type of wheelbarrow called a catapult, and you can buy one for $15 at your local bodega or pharmacy. Just stuff your dead gorgeous aunt into the spoon part of the catapult, point it in the direction of the nearest cemetery, and launch the carcass into the sky. The dead body will fly through the air and land with a satisfying “splat” sound right smack dab in the middle of the cemetery. Just leave it there and the cemetery’s groundskeeper will come around and bury the corpse as soon as he finds it. It’s a full burial just for under $20, no hearse necessary.
5.
Some people dismiss using wheelbarrows to cart their dead relatives to the graveyard because they say that wheelbarrows only have one wheel and no engine. But if that’s true then how do you explain THIS motorized wheelbarrow right here? Instead of shelling out an ungodly sum of money for a hearse, you can purchase this four-wheeled, gas-powered wheelbarrow for a fraction of the price. It even has a specialized compartment that you can put the body in. It’s just more proof that when it comes to transporting corpses, wheelbarrows are superior to hearses in every way.
