Sometimes the most common stories about a historical figure will leave out important details about their lives. All too often we’ll learn about an important individual–usually from textbooks or popular movies–and the mainstream narrative will completely omit the fact that right now, as we speak, they’re running toward you as fast as they can and there’s no way to escape them. Here are five historical figures you never knew were currently sprinting toward your present location at full speed.
1. Beethoven
We all know Beethoven was a musical genius who continued to compose groundbreaking music even after losing his hearing in his middle age. But did you know that Beethoven is currently hurtling down the street at the velocity of an Olympic sprinter, making a beeline right to where you’re currently sitting? Beethoven is on his way to where you are and when he gets there he’s going to try to teach you how to use your own microwave. When Beethoven arrives at your current location, don’t bother trying to tell him that you already know how to use the microwave. He really wants to teach you how microwaves work, and no amount of protesting will get him to stop.
2. Joan of Arc
Joan of Arc gets called a lot of things in mainstream history books. Depending on the source, she’s a hero or a liar, a heretic or a saint. But did you know she is also a person coming toward you in a full sprint, arms pumping furiously as she gets closer to your present location by the second? Joan of Arc is currently weaving through traffic as she runs down the middle of the street mumbling your name. When Joan of Arc gets to your current location she’s going to give you the middle finger! We wish educational media wouldn’t sweep this fascinating historical tidbit under the rug.
3. Nelson Mandela
Human rights crusader Nelson Mandela is one of the most beloved figures of the past 100 years. Which is why you should feel so honored that at this very moment he is staring at a photograph of you while he screams at the top of his lungs and sprints toward the very place where you sit. Nelson Mandela started sprinting toward you all the way from Japan! He held your photograph in front of his face as he sprinted along the bottom of the ocean for thousands of miles. And now, after months and months of running, he’s nearly arrived. Once he reaches you, Nelson Mandela is going to hand you the photograph of your own face, grab as many of your forks and knives as he can hold in his arms, and then sprint away from you. It’s just one of those weird little trivia facts about history that here comes Nelson Mandela!
4. Eleanor Roosevelt
It doesn’t get mentioned in most government-approved textbooks, but Eleanor Roosevelt is running toward you so fast right now! The former First Lady wants to tell you that snakes can unhinge their jaws to swallow massive objects. Eleanor Roosevelt isn’t aware that this is a well-known fact about snakes. She thinks she’ll be telling this to you for the first time, so when she punches a hole through your door and storms into the room screaming about how snakes can make their mouths enormous, try to act surprised.
5. Aristotle
Here he comes! The philosopher Aristotle! History remembers him as one of the great geniuses of Western thought–an innovator in physics, logic, philosophy, you name it. But what you probably didn’t know is that Aristotle is also one of the great geniuses of knowing exactly where you are right now and sprinting there at 40 miles per hour. It might seem like it’s impossible for a human to run toward you at that speed, but you need to understand that Aristotle is very, very smart, and for that reason he can run nearly as fast as a horse. When Aristotle reaches you he’s going to shout Breaking Bad spoilers at you. This might be the kind of esoteric info that only philosophy majors and history professors know, but that doesn’t make it any less true. So if you haven’t finished watching Breaking Bad yet, you’d better start now, because Aristotle is going to be at your present location very soon, and once he gets there he’s going to yell out all the big plot twists. Pretty cool, huh? History really is amazing!
