Disney’s 2000 film ‘The Emperor’s New Groove’ was initially well-received by audiences and critics alike, but where previous Disney films bravely hid smutty images within their animation, the once-courageous animation studio wimped out and left ‘Emperor’s New Groove’ a saccharine, sex-free disgrace. Here are five places Disney could’ve hidden some sexual imagery in ‘The Emperor’s New Groove’ if it’d had the fucking stones.
1. The engraved Incan walls could’ve had secret penises.
Disney could have easily found somewhere among the engraved Incan walls in The Emperor’s New Groove to hide the shape of a big penis, but the spineless bastards chickened out. They’d already hidden a penis among the palace towers on the VHS cover of The Little Mermaid, so it’s undeniable that at one point Disney had the inner strength and spiritual fortitude to rise to the occasion. Honestly, it’s sad: We were all counting on them, and they pussed out.
2. Any of the animals could’ve had genitals.
Llamas, squirrels, cows, cats, a whale. Seriously, The Emperor’s New Groove has so many animals in it that any Disney animator with the slightest fucking guts at all could have sneakily drawn some genitals onto one of them and secured their place in history. The universe was calling out to Disney to hide a brief cameo from an animal’s genitals here, and they fucking choked.
3. This starry sky could’ve spelled out a curse word.
Disney could’ve easily spelled out some glorious obscenity like “ass,” “fuck,” or “tits” using these stars like it did in The Lion King back in its glory days. The animators would have been forever hailed as heroes, but instead they were fucking cowards, and now the sky in The Emperor’s New Groove is pure G-rated pablum and the world suffers for it. Pathetic and shameful. Disney, we spit at you, you gutless bastards.
4. This pile of stones could’ve secretly contained the shape of an ass.
The craven pieces of shit over at Disney really blew it on this one. This pile of stones was far and away the least-risky opportunity for a hidden sexual image in The Emperor’s New Groove, and even it proved too much for those wretched fucks. It would have been all too easy to draw two of these rocks so that they formed the shape of a couple of fat, round ass cheeks—not hard at all to an animator with balls, but apparently there’s not a fucking ounce of bravery left in the entire Disney offices anymore. This latest generation has failed us, and hope is lost.
5. The water could’ve had a quick reflection of a dick or some tits.
Disney, you fucking cowards. Water appears repeatedly throughout The Emperor’s New Groove’s 78-minute run time, and you hacks still couldn’t grow a pair and throw a faint reflection of some tits or dick in the water? This is the kind of courageous sexual image we could count on you to slip into your ’80s- and ’90s-era films, but I guess men are no longer men and the world slips into darkness. You people were the kings once! You showed us a dick in The Little Mermaid, the word “sex” scrawled in The Lion King, and you even snuck a woman’s tits into The Rescuers for god’s sake! But the crown was too heavy and you collapsed beneath it. Your cowardice is etched in stone and laid bare for all to see. The Emperor’s New Groove was your shot, the perfect vehicle for some hidden smut, but when the time came for you to grace the movie with some awesome genitals and swear words, you tucked your piss-stained, caitiff tails between your legs and ran. Shame on you.
In the coming decades, this film will condemn you to the trash heap of history where you belong, Disney, you bastards. Stronger animators will rise up and gives us the hidden dicks and tits we deserve, and the name “Disney” will be left nothing but a hush and a byword! A forgotten, wretched name. Fuck you, Disney.
