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5 Times I Was Mouthin Off In Church And Got My Ass Damn Near Beat

In church you’re quiet the whole time except for the out loud parts but sometimes I just can’t stop myself from mouthin off and then DON’T YOU KNOW IT sometimes my ass gets damn near beat!!!

1. When I didn’t have enough space on the kneeler

So I’m just suppose to stay quiet when I got no space on the kneeler meanwhile Dougie and Mr. Peppers are taking up the kneeler for the whole pew? It’s bad enough the kneeling part is even part of church! And then Dougie and Mr. Peppers take it all up with their big knees? Only one of my knees was fitting on the kneeler!! And My knee is not even that big!! Do you know how hard it is to kneel on one knee? For 15 freaking minutes??? So I said something. And Dougie didn’t hear me so I said it louder. I said, Dougie I NEED MORE SPACE ON THE PEW DOUGIE!!! And then I get the look. Yup, from Mama. It’s the look that says I’M GONNA BEAT YOUR ASS DARA !!!! So then I was about to kick Dougie in the knee with my knee but I didn’t. I just kneeled on my one freaking knee and prayed for Dougie’s knees to fall off.

2. When it wasn’t fair the baby got to have Cheerios while I didn’t

I want to clear one thing up. I am good in church and I always have been. And I do be quiet in church I Really do. Most of the time. But fairness is important to me and I cannot just sit by and let unfairness happen. Like how Mama doesn’t let me have snacks in church, but the babies they do? Um OK. No. So Mr Peppers was in church too (obviously) holding his baby that does’t even look like him and it was eating Cheerios from a little plastic bag. So I said Mama look at that: That’s not fair at all, I am just as hungry as the baby, if not even more. And She said DARA, SHHHH!!!! But then the baby dropped a Cheerio onto the pew. And I got that look in my eye that says I have an idea. And Mama could see it so she gave me a look of her own. But I’m quick like a cat so I snatched up the Cheerio and ate it!!!! HA HA HA!!! And Mama’s eyes started winding up, I could see them screaming at me I’M GONNA BEAT YOUR ASS!!!! But right then Mr. Peppers caught her eyes, so suddenly her eyes were smiling and then she put her head down and prayed. And I did too. I prayed my ass wouldn’t be getting beat later on, and in the end actually it didn’t.

3. When I was mouthin off with Dougie

Well there was the one day Me and Dougie was sayin something that I should not write down. But it was very funny but yes it was mouthin off. And it was that the priest was looking like a LEGO!!!! Square head., bald, short little arms!! HA! So we were mouthin off about that and of course Mama did not like it. But every thing he did he looked all the more like the Lego!!! Yes, reading the book, praying, standing… all Lego! Of course we are laughing and not stopping laughing and Mama is now clenching her fists like her fists are saying I GOT ONE FOR EACH OF YOUR ASS!!!!! So she just says to us: Just wait til we get home. But I have to think the Lord even knew the priest was Lego because wound’t you know it,  on the way home we got a flat tire and Mama forgot all about beating our ass!!! HA HAA!!!

4. When I refused to shake Mr. Peppers hand 

I do not like the sign of Peace. I have to shake someones hand just becaus I go to church? NO N OOO NO! Besides we are always sitting next to Mr. Peppers which means it’s always stupid Mr Peppers hand I’m supposed to shake. Well one time I didnt and when he stuck his stupid hand out I pretended to look through the song books. And even with my eyes on the books I saw Mama screaming with her eyes at me DARA!!!! YES YOU DARA I WILL BEAT YOUR ASS IF YOU DON’T GRAB THAT HAND!!!! Well newsflash Mama, if you ever thought about someone else in your life you’d realize that maybe I  dont want to shake Mr. Peppers hand because I don’t like MR. PEPEPRS!!!!! Mr Peppers is 9 feet tall and his baby looks nothing like him. So explain that.? And why’s Mrs Peppers not ever in church? Is She’s dead?? So I don’t like him. And yes I know that’s not very churchlike but it is just the truth.

5. When my church pants were up in my crotch hurting my crotch

It was very uncomfortable what happened.  I wear my brothers khaki pants to church because im not allowed to wear my soccer uniform unless we come right from soccer. But the khakis are like tent material for your legs. And when you sit sitting isn’t even comfortable anymore because of the BUNCH!!!! So I was shifting and shaping in my seat, trying to get comfortable, and Mama with her eyes says STOP MOVING. So I try but I just HAVE TO MOVE!!! If you make me wear the khaki I will HAVE TO MOVE! So move I did and then this time with her voice Mama goes JUST WAIT TIL WE GET HOME!!!! Which I know is code for: DARA I WILL BE BEATING YOUR ASS!!! But once again on the way home DON’T YOU KNOW IT Mama’s car got another flat tire!!!! And once again she forgot all about how she was supposed to be beating my ass and instead was telling a guy on the phone she’d be beating his ass instead if he ever put her tires on wrong again!!! HA HA HA!!!! Amen.