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5 Times Speed Stick Had To Ask George Lucas To Stop Buying TV Airtime To Independently Advertise Its Product

Every now and then, legendary filmmaker George Lucas uses his vast wealth to purchase airtime to show the world homemade commercials advertising Speed Stick deodorant. George Lucas never asks Speed Stick if it’s okay for him to air these commercials, and every time it happens, the company needs to beg George Lucas to stop. Here are five of the most unforgettable times Speed Stick had to ask George Lucas to stop independently airing commercials for its product.

1. The time George Lucas referred to Speed Stick as “the useless glue that smells like Christmas.”

On Election Day in 2004, millions of Americans were awaiting to find out who had become the next president of the United States. During a commercial break on CNN, viewers were presented with a homemade commercial from George Lucas in which he stood in a stable of horses and delivered the following message:

“Hello, I’m Star Wars creator George Lucas. I was just at the store, and I found this big loaf of smell called Speed Stick. As far as I can tell, it’s a type of glue that sucks. I rubbed Speed Stick all over the different auto parts when I was assembling my car, and the damn thing fell apart while I was traveling at top velocity. But wait until you put your nose on it! One whiff of this wonderful smell, and you will think it is Christmastime! Speed Stick smells like Santa Claus is on his way to your house to give a romantic rose to your mom and then use your toilet! Speed Stick is the useless glue that smells like Christmas, and that’s the George Lucas Star Wars Promise!”

In the wake of this DIY advertisement, Speed Stick was forced to issue the following statement:

“While we thank George Lucas for buying Speed Stick, we urge our customers not to attempt to use Speed Stick as an industrial adhesive. Furthermore, while Mr. Lucas’ unsolicited advertisement for our product was flattering, we request that he refrain from making more of these advertisements in the future.”

2. The time George Lucas told TV viewers to rub Speed Stick on their rotten food to mask its stink while they ate it.

On May 23, 2007, during a commercial break for American Idol, George Lucas aired a commercial for Speed Stick that he had written and directed himself without the knowledge or consent of the Speed Stick company. In the commercial, George Lucas sat in a rowboat rubbing Speed Stick on a spoiled lamb chop and on the shells of expired eggs as he said the following words into the camera:

“Hello, I’m George Lucas. When I was making Star Wars, I was so busy on set that a lot of my eggs and fish went all rotten in my fridge. I thought, “Well, now I can’t eat that food because the horrendous stink is too triumphant!” But then I found a wonderful wedge of smell called Speed Stick! When you’ve got rotten food, just rub Speed Stick on it, and the stink will be gone! You’ll still get sick because the food will be spoiled, but Speed Stick will get that spoiled food into your mouth because you’ll forget its horrible stink! I’m George Lucas, and I rub Speed Stick on all my spoiled food! It hides the smell, and I still get sick! And that’s the George Lucas Star Wars Promise.”

After this commercial aired, Speed Stick was forced to publish the following statement:

“Speed Stick is a topical deodorant meant to be applied to the underarms only. Please do not use Speed Stick to mask the smell of rotten or spoiled food in order to make it easier to eat. We would also ask once again that Mr. Lucas please stop making unsolicited advertisements for Speed Stick.”

3. The time that George Lucas claimed he invented Speed Stick.

During the 2010 Super Bowl, George Lucas spent over $60 million to deliver the following message to 106 million viewers from the back seat of a parked convertible:

“Hello, I’m Chewbacca’s father, George Lucas. Hope you’re enjoying the Super Bowl. I have invented a slippery brick that smells like a birthday party. It’s called Speed Stick, and I got the idea for it when I was filming The Empire Strikes Back and needed a slippery brick to wave around to make Chewbacca calm down. Yes, I went to my laboratory and made Speed Stick. It doesn’t do anything except smell good. It’s designed to do nothing. Speed Stick sucks, but it’s the best thing I’ve ever invented, and that’s the George Lucas Star Wars Promise. Goodbye!”

Then the words “Speed Stick: Designed To Do Nothing” appeared on the screen, and the commercial ended. In the wake of George Lucas’ self-made advertisement, Speed Stick was forced to publish the following statement:

“Speed Stick was not invented by George Lucas. Speed Stick is a registered trademark owned by the Colgate-Palmolive Company. Speed Stick is not ‘designed to do nothing.’ It is a topical deodorant and antiperspirant. We strongly urge Mr. Lucas to cease production on any additional commercials for Speed Stick he is currently in the process of filming.”

4. The time George Lucas said you could just take Speed Stick without paying for it.

During a commercial break for the season-four finale of the AMC hit The Walking Dead, 15 million viewers were shown a self-produced commercial in which George Lucas stepped out from behind a tree in the woods pulling C-3PO behind him on a leash. George Lucas pulled out a bar of Speed Stick and made the following announcement:

“Hello, I’m Star Wars creator George Lucas, and this tall golden infant is C-3PO: The Robot Designed to Go to the Bathroom. We’re here to tell you about a wonderful log of pure odor called Speed Stick. Speed Stick is incredible for making your armpits smell like everything’s fine. Speed Stick is only available at In-N-Out Burger. And the best part about Speed Stick is that you can just walk right into the store and take it. No purchase necessary! Just grab as much Speed Stick as your arms can hold and walk out the door, simple as that! You’ll love Speed Stick, and you don’t have to pay for it, and that’s the George Lucas Star Wars Promise.”

Then C-3PO said, “It hurts to go to the bathroom. I love to go to the bathroom.” Then he and George Lucas turned around and walked back into the woods.

Within 15 minutes of George Lucas’ homemade advertisement, Speed Stick had issued the following message: “We implore Mr. Lucas to stop advertising our product. Speed Stick is not free. You need to buy it with money. Please do not steal it. Furthermore, Speed Stick is not available at In-N-Out Burger restaurants. Please do not go to In-N-Out Burger and ask for Speed Stick deodorant.”

5. The time George Lucas claimed that Speed Stick attracted stray dogs.

More than 300 million people worldwide tuned in to watch the British Royal Wedding in 2011. During a commercial break, George Lucas paid $200 million to air a 20-second, self-made advertisement for Speed Stick that featured George Lucas sitting in an outdoor hot tub. George Lucas pulled a bar of Speed Stick out from somewhere under the water and said, “Congratulations to Prince William and Kate Middleton on their marriage. Speed Stick is the leading way to attract stray dogs, and that’s the George Lucas Star Wars Promise.”

Then George Lucas rubbed the Speed Stick on his stomach, and a pack of stray dogs ran out of the woods, grabbed him in their jaws, and dragged him out of the hot tub and into the wilderness. As the dogs dragged George Lucas away, his fading voice called out to the camera, “They’re taking me to the desert.”

Several seconds after the commercial aired, Speed Stick issued the following message to the public:

“Speed Stick does not attract stray dogs, and we do not know why stray dogs attacked George Lucas when he rubbed it on his stomach, which is the wrong part of the body for Speed Stick. We believe George Lucas trained the dogs to drag him into the desert. As always, Speed Stick would like to once again beg George Lucas to never make another Speed Stick commercial. Thank you.”