If you think these assholes are surviving even halfway through next year, then you’re out of your goddamn mind.
1. The Umbrella From The Bin At Walgreens
Well, well, well, if it isn’t the godforsaken plastic umbrella from the bottom of the bargain bin at Walgreens, who, wouldn’t you have guessed it, is about to meet its fucking maker just a few weeks into 2017. Guaranteed this flimsy, cheap-ass frame won’t get within a whiff of February before it is absolutely torn to fucking smithereens on a slightly windy day. Let’s get one thing straight and admit to ourselves that this umbrella doesn’t stand a goddamn chance in hell at making it even partway through next year. Not even close.
2. The Umbrella From The Checkout At CVS
Look, the odds that this umbrella could survive even one month into 2017 are already slim to none, but for it to last the full 12 months is just out of the fucking question, okay? To be honest, the thing was already pretty mangled when some sad motherfucker bought it in the middle of a rainstorm a few weeks ago, so it’ll last two trips outside in the rain, maybe three with a miracle. Odds are, before winter is even over, someone will try to click the automatic open button, the umbrella will shoot out but stay closed, and they’ll throw it right in the garbage, just like that.
3. The $15 Mini Umbrella From When It Rained Outside Jewel-Osco
Ah, look familiar? You might recognize this bad boy from the subway, where there are currently several of these assholes lying crumpled in garbage cans, or sitting wet and mangled on the goddamn ground during the winter months. Sure, this umbrella might look good when it’s brand new, sitting there in its perfectly smooth protective sleeve, but if this puppy even gets put down just the slightest bit wrong when you’re trying to dry it out, it’s open season baby, and that shit will never close right again.
4. The Tiny Fucking Duane Reade Umbrella
Okay, so on the off chance this umbrella has some underlying structural problems that could tank it midway through the upcoming year, that won’t even matter, because the main reason that this guy is fucked is—simply put—it’s just too goddamn small. This shit might somehow be sturdy enough to protect you from the snow all the way through winter and the rainy parts of spring, but all it takes is one asshole placing it under the table at a bar, and then bam, it might as well have never existed in the first place. Never even stood a chance.
5. The Rite Aid Umbrella Inexplicably Named “Weather Vault”
Regardless of whether the words “Weather Vault” are written in big letters across its industrial-looking tag, this umbrella might as well be called “Fucked Outside,” because 2017 will be its first and last year of life, and we all damn well know it. It makes a scratching noise when it opens, and the clip that holds the frame up pinches your finger no matter what, so if it doesn’t break on its own, it will annoy its owner to the point that they’ll break it themselves in a fit of frustration.
6. Who Knows Where This Umbrella Is From, But It Sucks
Let’s be honest: This umbrella was only ever a replacement until a new, better one came along in 2017. So, come next year, it’s time to man the fuck up, get a double-tiered, metal reinforced, “weatherproof” umbrella from a place that’s not a drugstore, and throw out the old piece of shit the first chance you have. Say goodbye, baby, because your old friend was never going to make it through the upcoming year, and guess what? You damn well knew it.
