Turning your neighbor into a pallid ghost of a man doesn’t have to break the bank!
1. Blot out his sunlight with foil and fishing nets ($45): You can’t beat the classics. Hang a few fishing nets from the trees ringing your neighbor’s house, line them with tinfoil, and voilà! You’ve got a reflective dome to strip every last trace of vitamin D from your neighbor’s body, leaving him as see-through and oozing as a deep-sea eel. And even if he musters the strength to tear it all down, repairs are a breeze!
2. Blanket him in smoke with a wet woodpile and an industrial fan ($75): Once you get a bonfire going under your pile of wet wood, it’s a simple matter of blasting the billowing smoke over at your neighbor’s house to shroud him in endless dusk. A big and damp enough woodpile will smolder for days without care or tending, so you can kick back while your neighbor’s skin turns to tracing paper and his organs turn watery. Even better: Toss some coal on there, and the thick black coke dust will cling to his windows, entombing him in twilight and leaving him looking like a pile of wet glass noodles.
3. Force him inside with a simple spear ($15): You don’t even need to hit the hardware store to get your neighbor clear enough to see the bacteria swimming around inside him! With just a mop handle, foil tape, and a shard of glass, you’ve got yourself a formidable spear. And when your neighbor steps out to get his paper and soak up some sun, there you are, jabbing, jabbing, jabbing him back inside! Keep him indoors out of fear of an ambush, or go above and beyond by herding him down into his basement at spearpoint. He’ll be a veiny ghoul in no time flat!
4. Trap him under a cloud by coating his clothing with seagull pheromones ($30): The result is impressive, but the process is simple. The seagulls turn your neighbor milky for you! With just a window jimmy and a few spritzes, your neighbor’s clothing will summon seagulls wherever he goes in a perpetual swirling cloud, just like in the Bible! Even if he’s willing to brave lust-frenzied seagulls day after day, he’ll only catch the stray rays that peek between their seething bodies. Not only will he be a bird-stricken pariah, shunned by society, but he’ll also get all pale and diseased to boot.
5. Hold him down and spit some lupus into his mouth ($?): Lupus is not contagious, so this may take some figuring out, but it’s nothing a true DIY enthusiast couldn’t tackle. The autoimmune condition comes with intense photosensitivity. Translation: No sun for you! If you really want to go above and beyond, get out your tool kit and pry his kidneys out while he’s pinned down. The body has a tough time absorbing vitamin D without them, making sunlight pretty much useless to him. With just an hour or two of work, he’ll spend a lifetime as a transparent, quivering creature perpetually spitting up thin, pale gunk. Best of all? You can feel accomplished knowing you did it with just your two hands.
6. Make him a shut-in by simulating a nuclear war (variable): Simulating a full-scale nuclear catastrophe can be as big of a hobby project as you want it to be, and offers a great opportunity to really stretch your creativity. From blasting sirens and klieg lights outside his home to simulate the first impact, to using your leaf blower to spray ash into the air for that “nuclear winter” atmosphere, to withering his grass with a heat gun to sell the illusion of omnipresent irradiated death, your options are limitless. As long as he mostly stays cowering in his cellar with increasingly loose aqueous flesh dangling off him, you’re doing it right!
