Hoo boy. Christmas is at Grandma’s this year for the first time since Grandpa died, and as if planning this whole thing hasn’t already been enough of a fiasco, Grandma just had to go and throw yet another monkey wrench into the works. So if you’re going to Christmas at Grandma’s this year, listen up: Here are six single-word emails that Grandma sent last night and our best guesses as to what they mean for this year’s Christmas celebration.
1. “Christmas.”
The first single-word email Grandma sent last night came in at 10:32 p.m. Like all of these emails, it had just one word in the subject line and said nothing at all in the email body. In this case, the word was, “Christmas.” Okay, easy enough. Grandma is probably trying to remind us that Christmas is coming up and that we are planning on celebrating at her house on Christmas day. Or maybe she thinks that the way emails work is that you send one to establish the subject of subsequent emails to come. Not sure.
2. “Muffins.”
The second email came in immediately after the “Christmas” one, and this time the subject line said, “Muffins.” Now, there’s a few ways we can interpret this. Since it came right after the “Christmas” email, we could assume that the two were actually intended to be part of the same thought, like “Christmas muffins.” As in, Grandma is either making special Christmas muffins, or she wants someone to bring Christmas muffins. Another possibility is that the “Christmas” email was the precursor to a sort of Christmas celebration checklist, with “Muffins” being the first item on the list. Unfortunately, either interpretation still leaves us unclear as to whether Grandma wants someone to bring muffins or is baking the muffins herself. Muffins aren’t really a food normally associated with Christmas, so we don’t know what would constitute a “Christmas muffin” anyway.
3. “Grandpar.”
This one came in about an hour after the first two, and right off the bat we can say that we feel confident this was intended to say “Grandpa.” Grandpa died seven years ago, so hopefully this doesn’t mean that Grandma thinks he is coming to Christmas. She could be trying to say that it’s going to be difficult to not have him there, or that she wishes he could be there, or that he would have loved to be there, or some other sort of sentimental Grandma type shit. We’re just going to go with an educated guess that this email just meant Grandpa will be missed.
4. “Santaclaus.”
Hmmm. This email, which was sent out to all 113 people in Grandma’s address book and not just the eight family members who are planning to attend her Christmas celebration, is a tough one. We know we’re supposed to be offering our “best guess,” but honestly there are myriad possibilities of what her intent was here. Maybe this is a stretch, but what if Grandma thought that by typing “Santaclaus” into the subject line of her email, the email would appear as if it were coming from Santa Claus? Of course, she didn’t write anything in the email body, so in that case it would seem that her intention was to send everyone she knows a completely blank email from Santa Claus. Maybe she thinks emails are like postcards where just getting one even if it doesn’t say anything is still a nice gesture? But why would she think the 12 doctors in her address book and the Hallmark customer service email would want a blank email from Santa? Another theory, and we’re just spitballing here, is that Grandma is looking for an actor to show up at the party dressed as Santa? Even though all of her kids are grown and the only child coming is three months old? Who knows.
5. “Stinkings.”
Okay, so this one came in at 4:30 a.m. after a few emails which had no subject lines nor body text, and we’re nearly positive she is talking about stockings here. Hopefully, anyway. Now, it would have been nice if she had expanded on this in a little bit more detail, for example explaining whether she meant she was doing stockings for everyone or she wanted guests to bring stocking stuffers or maybe she was just letting everyone know that nylon stockings would be a good present in case anyone needed to shop for her. It’s also possible that this is an announcement that we are doing stockings in lieu of gifts, which is something Grandma has suggested several times before but we’ve always just ignored her. If so, we’re ignoring it again.
6. “Transgender.”
Oh goody. This one-word email came in right after “Stinkings,” and it’s probably the most perplexing of them all. Grandma’s brother does have a transgender granddaughter, but they live in Seattle and won’t be coming for Christmas. And even if that’s what this email is in reference to, it’s unclear whether Grandma was trying to be welcoming or unwelcoming. It’s also possible this one is completely unrelated to Christmas and was meant to be like one of those chain emails racist uncles like to send out, but outside of a few old Walter Mondale buttons in her sewing drawer, there aren’t many clues available as to Grandma’s politics, so this email could mean anything. Either way, this one probably doesn’t affect the plans for Christmas much, so it’s not worth much more effort decoding it. Hope to see everyone at Grandma’s on Christmas morning!
