We may be adults, but that doesn’t mean we always get straight A’s!

1. “I’ve been working out all summer in case one of the big ones decides to come at me. No way in hell I’m going down this year.”

2. “Jesus. I accidentally left the class guinea pig here over the summer, and now it’s nothing but a sickening heap of decomposed hair and flesh. Oh, well. No way any of these idiots will notice.”

3. “If I cracked open a peanut and lobbed it into the middle of the classroom, how many of these tiny weirdos would explode?”

4. “Well, given how screwed up all these kids are, I’d say more than half of their parents are divorced. So, back-to-school night is going to be an absolute fuckfest for me. Just a constant stream of genitals slapping together. Slapping and slapping and slapping.”

5. “If one of these dummies comes back in 20 years and proves me wrong by actually succeeding at something, I’ll kill myself in front of the whole fucking PTA.”

6. “I’m drunk.”