I am strong and brave and that is why I get sued all the time by everyone. One of the things that loves to sue me is the Walt Disney Corporation. The reason why they sue me is because I own a business where I dress up as Mickey Mouse and eat locusts in front of children at birthday parties. Disney says that this is a flagrant copyright violation, and whenever they find out that I’ve once again put on my Mickey Mouse costume to eat bugs in front of children for money, they sue me for everything I’m worth. Here are all the times this has happened.
1. The time Disney sued me for dressing up as Mickey Mouse and telling children, “Now I’m going to teach you how Mickey Mouse eats bugs off the floor”
My business started out so promising. Here is how it worked. When a child had a birthday party, I would put on my Mickey Mouse costume, stuff about 30,000 locusts into a garbage bag, and drive to the kid’s house. I would knock on the door and all the kids would shout, “Mickey Mouse! Hooray!” or some such embarrassing bullshit. Then I would say, “Hi, everyone! I heard that someone here is turning eight years old, so Mickey Mouse is going to show you how he eats bugs off the floor!” Then I would dump the locusts on the floor and get on my hands and knees and start stuffing the locusts into my mouth. Since the Mickey Mouse mask didn’t come with an opening, I cut a hole out of one of the eyes and began shoving the locusts through there. To the children, this looked like Mickey Mouse was shoving live locusts into his empty eye socket and then somehow loudly chewing them up somewhere inside his skull. The kids loved this, and they would dance around Mickey Mouse throwing flower petals on him as he crawled on the floor catching locusts and stuffing them into his eyes for sustenance (I made the parents pay for the flower petals). Unfortunately, the Walt Disney Corporation did not share the children’s enthusiasm, and when they found out about it, they sued me for copyright infringement. The trial lasted five minutes, and I ended up owing Disney $30 million. Since I only had $63 in my bank account, I had to pay Disney in locusts.
2. The time Disney sued me because I said that the locusts Mickey Mouse was eating were a gift from Goofy
But guess what, idiots! Locusts breed like crazy! They are the horniest bugs in God’s filthy kingdom. So in a matter of months I had enough locusts to fill a garbage bag and restart my business. I put my Mickey Mouse costume back on and drove to the nearest birthday party (I found the location using the website AgingChildren.com, which tells you the location of all the children’s birthday parties currently happening within 1,000 miles of your home so that you can bring them a present even if you do not know them). I showed up at the birthday party and all the children screamed idiotic nonsense like, “Yay Mickey Mouse!” and I said, “Happy birthday children! Who wants to see Mickey eat his lunch of bugs!” And all the kids said, “Me! Me!” (kids love to watch their favorite cartoon characters eat lunch). And so I dumped my bag of locusts onto the floor and crawled around on the ground eating as many of them as I could. A little girl asked me, “Mickey Mouse, where did you get all of those bugs,” and I said to her, “Goofy gave them to me as a housewarming gift after I moved into your grandmother’s tomb.” When the Disney Corporation found out about this, they were not happy. They sued me for “falsely claiming that the copyrighted character Goofy bought locusts for Mickey Mouse.” They sued me for $30 million, but the only thing I had in my bank account was a $200 gift certificate to a store that sells gym equipment that famous people died on while using. Since I couldn’t pay the legal fees, the court ordered me to surrender all my locusts and my driver’s license. Now I have sprint to all the kids’ birthday parties in my Mickey Mouse costume, which makes me very out of breath. When the children ask me why I’m huffing and puffing, I tell them it’s because I just came from injecting Donald Duck with steroids and he got so muscular that he scared me and made me run away.
3. The time Disney sued me even though I stopped saying that Goofy gave Mickey Mouse the locusts and started saying “a nameless dog” gave Mickey Mouse the locusts
The locusts fucked again, baby! In no time, they’d rapidly reproduced to the point where I once again had enough bugs to reopen my business. Based on the previous lawsuit, it seemed like Disney was mad that I had implied that Goofy was the person giving Mickey Mouse the locusts. So the next time a child asked me, “Mickey, where did you get all of those bugs?” instead of saying “Goofy gave me these locusts to eat,” I said, “A talking dog with no name gave me these locusts to eat.” The concept of a nameless talking dog scared some of the kids and they started to cry, so I tried to cheer them up by saying, “Don’t cry, kids! Did you know that all of the locusts Mickey Mouse is eating are also named Mickey Mouse?” This just made the kids cry more, but the little troopers kept throwing flower petals onto Mickey Mouse while he ate his feast of locusts. Sadly, even though I didn’t mention Goofy even once, Disney didn’t care. They sued me anyway. Their legal team said I owed them $30 million for “falsely claiming that the copyrighted character Mickey Mouse receives insects from a nameless dog. If Mickey Mouse were to receive locusts from a dog, the dog would have a name.” Since I didn’t have any money, the court ordered me to surrender my AgingChildren.com Premium account, so now I have to use AgingChildren.com Basic to find out which kids are having birthdays in my area. AgingChildren.com Basic is worse than Premium because Premium shows you a GPS location of the aging child while Basic puts a cowbell around the aging kid’s neck and makes you follow the sound of the clanging. It takes me a much longer time to find the birthday parties now, but I follow the sound of the bell and I always find the aging child, because I’m a professional locust-eating Mickey Mouse impersonator.
4. The time Disney sued me even when I hid behind a potted plant while I ate the locusts
Since apparently nothing I said involving Goofy was making Disney happy, I thought that it might help me avoid getting sued in the future if I hid behind potted plants at birthday parties so that kids couldn’t see me eating locusts as clearly. So I started doing this, and it seemed to be working well. Kids could hear the loud crunch of me chewing up locusts, but they couldn’t see me behind the potted plants. To prove to them that I really was Mickey Mouse, every now and then I would remove my Mickey Mouse mask and hold it out from behind the plant so that the kids could see Mickey’s head. Unfortunately, the sight of a pair of hands holding up Mickey Mouse’s decapitated head from behind a potted plant didn’t make the kids as excited as I thought it would, and a lot of them started to cry. I tried to cheer the kids up by shouting from behind the potted plant, “Don’t worry, kids! This is Mickey’s empty head, but Mickey’s brain is in a different head, so he can still think about you!” This did not comfort the children. And it didn’t seem to make Disney happy, either, as they once again sued me for $30 million, claiming I’d infringed on their intellectual property and made “slanderous claims about the location of Mickey Mouse’s brain.” Since I only had $32 million in my bank account at the time, this settlement wiped out the vast majority of my savings. Once again, the massive Walt Disney Corporation had crushed the dreams of the little man. All I wanted to do was eat locusts and make children happy—in that specific order—but Disney just wouldn’t allow it.
5. The time Disney sued me because I said that Mickey Mouse had more DNA in common with a skunk than an actual mouse
Several days later I had an incredible realization: Disney kept suing me because Mickey Mouse is the famous mouse mascot of their company. But what if I created a version of Mickey Mouse that wasn’t a mouse? Disney wouldn’t have a legal leg to stand on! So the next time I showed up at a child’s birthday party in my Mickey Mouse costume and all the kids screamed, “Yay! Mickey Mouse!” the first thing I said was, “Here’s something interesting! They did a DNA test on me and I’m 62 percent skunk. I’m far more skunk than mouse. Mickey Mouse is mostly a skunk!” Then I dumped my trash bag of locusts on the ground, got down on all fours, and started eating the locusts off of the ground. The children were quite upset by the news that Mickey Mouse was mostly a skunk, and they all burst into tears while I continued to munch on my locusts. I tried to cheer the kids up by telling them, “Don’t worry, kids! Even though I’m mostly a skunk, I don’t spray stinky juice like most skunks! Instead, when I feel threatened, I cough up a pile of foul-smelling sand which I then stuff into my pockets because I think it’s money!” Unfortunately, this only made the children cry harder. To add insult to injury, Disney sued me for $30 million for “making salacious claims about the biological origins of Mickey Mouse and falsely declaring Mickey Mouse to be more skunk than mouse.” I’d run out of all my money by that point, so I once again had to pay my legal fees in locusts.
6. The time Disney sued me because I told a group of children that Mickey Mouse was created as part of the Manhattan Project
Since it was apparently illegal for me to claim that Mickey Mouse was the descendant of any particular kind of animal, I decided to alter his origin story to imply that he was not a biological creature at all. So the next time I arrived at a child’s birthday party in my Mickey Mouse costume, I immediately said, “Hi, everyone! Mickey Mouse here with an important announcement: I was never born, and no animals are my family! I was born as a result of a mistake involving chemicals that Dr. Robert Oppenheimer made while he was working to develop the atomic bomb! They set off the first-ever atomic bomb in Los Alamos, New Mexico, and when the mushroom cloud dissipated, Mickey Mouse was standing there. Now it is time for me to eat locusts.” The kids at the birthday party were mostly confused by this announcement. The birthday boy asked me, “Mickey, if you aren’t a living animal, then why do you need to eat locusts?” And I replied, “I don’t need to eat the locusts. I do it to keep busy.” Another inquisitive little girl asked me, “Mickey, does this mean that there is a new Mickey Mouse every time an atomic bomb is detonated,” and I replied, “Yes, of course. And when that happens, I travel to the site of the explosion, find the new Mickey Mouse, and strangle him to death.” I had a nice time answering all of the children’s questions about Festive Atomic Mickey Mouse. Unfortunately, Disney once again tracked me down and sued me for $30 million for “misrepresenting the origins of Mickey Mouse.” Since I didn’t have any money left, the court ruled that I was no longer permitted to wear my Mickey Mouse costume. This hasn’t stopped me from performing as Mickey at children’s birthday parties, though. Now I just open the window and throw the empty costume into the crowd of children and scream from outside, “Oh my God! Mickey Mouse is empty! His body is nothing but skin and the wind inside of it!” Sometimes this makes the children upset, and sometimes it makes them cheer and throw flower petals at the empty Mickey Mouse. It’s basically a 50-50 split between children who are sad that Mickey Mouse is nothing but skin and children who are very happy about it. Either way, this is how I plan to make a living until the next time the Walt Disney Company chooses to invent some bullshit reason to sue me.