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60 Things Dad Looks For In A New Pair Of Shorts

Barefoot man walks along the sandy sea coast.

Dad usually only goes clothes shopping once every three years or so, and when he does, the only thing he buys is several pairs of the exact same kind of shorts. He’s very particular about the shorts he buys, and if they don’t meet the following 60 requirements, they don’t stand a chance of earning a coveted spot in his shorts rotation.

1. Made in America
2. Drawstring at least 2mm in diameter
3. Snaps, not buttons
4. Pockets not too bulky, but big enough for keys, a small flashlight, sunglasses, tin of tobacco, wallet, phone, multitool, stray receipts, and a few other odds and ends
5. Has to hit the exact spot right above the knee
6. Masculine cut
7. Water resistant
8. Breathable
9. Enough stretch to comfortably bend over when picking weeds
10. At least 400 5-star reviews
11. Lightweight in some ways but heavyweight in others
12. Durable enough waistband to endure perpetual state of weight gain
13. Not too flashy
14. Perfect shade of tan (Pantone Oxford Tan 15-1306 TCX)
15. Triple stitching
16. Free from branding
17. Some sort of built-in bug-resistant technology
18. Have to feel robust but soft in the hand
19. Heavy duty gusset
20. Must pass military spec
21. Flame resistant
22. Between eight and 11 belt loops, no more, and definitely no less
23. Zippered fly, not button
24. That thing where part of the waistband is elastic but not the whole thing
25. Drawstring tips should look like they will hold up to years of abuse
26. Generous leg openings
27. At least 3 drain holes
28. Completely odorless
29. No overly-complicated laundering instructions
30. Must be able to stand up on their own
31. 90% polyester, 8% rayon, 2% spandex (some acceptations made to rayon/spandex ratio)
32. Rise high enough to fully cover lower back hair when shirtless
33. Properly constricting crotch
34. Stain guard that’s actually worth a shit
35. Must pass “the nap test”
36. Under $30
37. Lifetime warranty
38. Must match every shirt in closet and t-shirt drawer
39. Double tape-measure clips
40. Equally comfortable sitting, standing, or lying
41. Able to carry an open beer in side pocket without spilling
42. Must look tight but not feel tight
43. Insulated pockets
44. Must look pretty much exactly like his other shorts so that no one notices they’re new and calls attention to them
45. 1,400 pound breaking strength
46. Must be sold at Sears
47. Nothing too serious looking
48. Must work for both casual and formal occasions
49. Must let in sufficient breeze for mowing on hot days
50. Must look good with white socks
51. Crotch opening lined with brushed fabric
52. Newspaper pocket
53. No pressure points on seat
54. Doubles as floatation device in a pinch
55. Not a complete joke of a short like Carhartt Rugged Flex Rigby shorts
56. Distinct, robust shuffling sound when walking
57. Tiny pocket-within-pocket for safely stowing hotel keycard when on vacation in Florida
58. Sturdy enough waistline to support cell phone holster
59. True to size so that there’s no need to bother with all that trying-them-on nonsense
60. On sale