These are my favorite gizmos, shirts, and hardworking men. I want them in my tomb. I want them with me forever when I’m dead.

1. The electric razor

The electric razor is a really great gizmo, probably one of the top 100 gizmos of my world. When you use it on your hairs, it feels like you are flying. It is better than sex. It is better than two of sex. I want the electric razor buried with me in my tomb once I start being dead. It’s a must.

2. My one collared shirt

This is the only nice shirt I have. It has a collar so that I can wear it to black-tie happenings and somber fiestas. It’s the shirt that I wore to my grandmother’s only funeral. I need my one collared shirt with me in my tomb when the Grim Reaper finally turns me into mud.

3. A good massage chair

This is for sure a gizmo that I need in my tomb. In fact, it’s a deal-breaker. If a good massage chair cannot be buried with me in my tomb, then I don’t want to be buried at all. Leave my corpse on the sidewalk to rot in the hot July sun.

4. Pierre

Pierre is my friend from my religion. We tell each other secrets and sell each other drawings of our pets. Pierre is a really hard worker, and he never gives you any excuses. That’s the kind of guy who I want to have buried with me in my tomb. Cram him into my grave with the rest of the stuff.

5. Someone’s Hawaiian shirt

Nothing says “fun in the sun” quite like someone’s Hawaiian shirt! I love to have fun in the sun, and so I want a shirt like this to come with me into my grave hole. When the Grim Reaper turns me into mud, I will need to have someone’s Hawaiian shirt buried with me in my tomb.

6. My wife’s tennis teacher, David

Thanks to David’s hard work and honest teachings, my wife is now smacking the ball right into the net every time! She is the Number One Mozart of becoming slightly better at tennis, and it’s all thanks to David! When I utter my final sneeze and become the corpse that my family was promised, I want David to be buried with me in my tomb, on account of he is a hard worker and made my wife better in tennis. Get him into my tomb!

7. The iPod Nano

The iPod Nano is the Top Gizmo of my heart. It’s a small rectangle, and for this reason I need it to be with me in my tomb when I’m dead. The iPod Nano plays music, and it’s so small that it’s the thing that can fit in a rooster’s mouth. I must bring the iPod Nano with me into the cold ground when the Grim Reaper turns me into mud and my corpse is shoved into the tomb.

8. The blind prophet Tiresias

I need to be buried with Tiresias, the blind prophet of Greek antiquity. Just find him and stuff him into my casket with me, please. Tiresias works very hard and probably never stole anything. He can predict the future, and his eyes don’t work. I need to be buried with Tiresias because he is from a thousand years ago and his eyes are as useless as grapes. Get him for me, please, and place him in my tomb.

9. The sweatshirt

Bury me with the sweatshirt.