If you grew up in the ’90s, you DEFINITELY didn’t have the hots for Zordon.
1. He was just a floating head: Unlike JTT, Zack Morris, and the other ’90s hunks you drooled over, Zordon didn’t have that smokin’ hot bod to make you swoon. He was basically just a head that floated in one place and yelled orders at the Power Rangers.
2. He lived in a tube: He couldn’t physically go anywhere or do anything, which ruled him out of virtually all of your typical preteen fantasies. No, Zordon was never going to sweep you off your feet at the school dance. You couldn’t imagine him kissing you in the rain. At best, you could daydream about sitting a safe distance from his tube and going over flashcards with him.
3. It wasn’t clear if he was a human or an alien or what: The show didn’t really tell you what he was supposed to be, and it’s hard to have a crush on something if you don’t know what it is. If you grew up in the ’90s, chances are that Zordon’s ambiguous taxonomy posed a serious barrier to attraction.
4. He was over 10,000 years old: Sorry, but this is just too old.
5. He wasn’t in any way attractive: You know it, ‘90s kids: You got zero tingly feelings looking at Zordon, because Zordon was very ugly.
6. He wasn’t fun: He was easily the least fun part of the show. He never smiled, and he only wanted to talk about battles.
7. You never saw him eat any food: It was unsettling how he didn’t seem to need any food for survival. Major turnoff.
8. He had no corporeal form: Yep. True ’90s kids’ affections were reserved for those who were physically manifested in recognizably bipedal forms and existed as more than just intangible projections of pensile light. Zordon didn’t have that going for him.
9. He was incredibly frightening: Zordon’s voice was thunderous and demonic. He had the gray, bloodless complexion of a corpse. You couldn’t tell whether he was a healthy ghost or an extremely fucked-up living being, but either way, his presence was always disturbing. Sound like what ’90s girls were looking for in a heartthrob? Not. A. Chance.
