If elections were held to name the ultimate ’90s kid, this guy just might win by a landslide.
Meet 28-year-old Michael Schoen. Like many ’90s kids, he loves talking about old-school Nickelodeon shows, he mourns the fact that you can no longer buy Dunkaroos, and he still remembers exactly what the inside of a Blockbuster smells like. But what separates him from the rest of his peers is his steadfast commitment to a certain—ahem—after-dark form of entertainment: Michael still chooses to watch scrambled pornography!
Yep, we’re not kidding. In an age when an endless buffet of hi-def nudity is instantly accessible to anyone with a Wi-Fi connection, Michael, like a true ’90s purist, still elects to stare endlessly at the squiggly picture on encrypted television channels in hopes of spotting an occasional nipple.
“There’s just something really special about straining your eyes for hours on end in hopes of spotting a stray vulva in scrambled Spice Channel programming,” said Michael, who watches the footage with his finger readied on his TV’s input button in case he hears someone coming and needs to switch over to Sega. “There’s just no challenge in watching porn on the internet—I live for the hunt.”
Michael admits that watching scrambled porn has its frustrating moments, such as thinking you’re masturbating to a wonderfully perky breast only to realize it’s actually a man’s chin. But he insists this is also part of what makes the experience so exciting: the mystery of not really knowing what you’re jerking it to, but trusting your imagination to complete the picture anyway.
“In my opinion, it’s just a vastly superior porn-viewing experience,” said Michael. “If you’re doing it any differently, then I just don’t think you can truly call yourself a ’90s kid.”