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’90s Kids Rejoice! The End Of Net Neutrality Means The Return Of Dial-Up Speeds

Remember this sound? Well, it’s gearing up for a major comeback, baby!

The FCC and big corporations like Comcast and Time Warner are colluding to create a two-tiered internet system with fast lanes and slow lanes. Companies that are willing to pony up the big bucks would have access to faster internet, while everybody else would have much slower access.

For a lot of the internet, this could mean a return to dial-up speeds. And if you’re a 90s kid, that’s pretty much the BEST. NEWS. EVER. For absolutely no extra money, you might get a throwback to the pre-Y2K days of glacial modem speeds!

Remember those lazy Saturday afternoons waiting hours and hours for a single Third Eye Blind song to download on Kazaa? Or sharing your A/S/L in AOL chat rooms, talking trash at Smarter Child, and racking up high scores in Math Blaster? The chance to relive those amazing times could be coming back very, very soon!

As long as the FCC can hold its ground against “civil liberties advocates,” we should be in the clear. Then we’ll be on a one-way time machine trip to the glory days of cyberspace! Might as well break out your Microsoft Encarta discs now, because if everything goes as planned, you’ll probably have a hard time getting Wikipedia to load again.

So raise your Hi-C Ecto Coolers and pass around the Dunkaroos—the internet’s getting slow again, and that calls for a celebration!