Rejoice, brothers and sisters, for God has rewarded our faithfulness this day with a blessing beyond compare: The dude in this Tommy Hilfiger ad is absolutely packing.
Hallelujah, what a hog! Thy rod and thy staff truly do comfort us!
Our daily acts of praise and devotion have not gone unnoticed by our Holy Lord above, and today He has seen fit to bestow His heavenly gifts on us through this marvelous Tommy Hilfiger ad of an underwear model, loins barely girded, rocking an eye-popping, Kilimanjaro-esque bulge. This monster-cocked Adonis is as clear a sign of God’s love as any believer could ever ask for, and one look at his garments struggling to contain the prodigious manmeat is all we need to know that we live in the embrace of a truly benevolent creator. As God once spoke to Moses through a burning bush, so now He speaks to us through this Tommy Hilfiger model’s 10 righteous inches, and His message is as loud and clear as a thousand Heavenly trumpets: Sons of Adam, Daughters of Eve, be glad, for it is the day of harvest, and this well-hung servant’s field has grown full with fruit.
O, to be a laborer in his vineyard!
Indeed, we must praise God who brings relief from seasons of desolation and bids our sorrows cease with such gifts as this image of a veiny, prostrate member, with proportions like that of a donkey, robed in splendor for all nations to behold. If there was any doubt lingering in your heart as to the grace and might of our Creator, let ol’ Jumbo here’s sequoia-like endowment drive those fears from your breast at once! Though this is but a small taste of the eternal reward awaiting all God’s elect, that’s pretty much the only thing “small” about the python hitching a ride on the front of this fellow’s body. You think this gentleman ever gets stopped at the supermarket on suspicion of shoplifting a butternut squash in his trousers? Through God’s love, we believe with faith unwavering that he does.
Let every tribe and every tongue cry hosanna to God on high for showing us this glorious wang!
Looking at this ad, one can almost feel the hand of God guiding Tommy Hilfiger’s talent scouts towards this freak-dicked hunk, then guiding the photographer’s camera down at that rib-tickling flesh baguette, so that all nations might know the throbbing wonders of that which was made in His image. Our time on earth is made truly full by God’s willingness, in His limitless beneficence, to show us a clothing model so hung that even a 2D image of his junk makes us reflexively duck out of the way as if it’s going to pounce forth and slap us across the brow with its rubbery heft.
Praise be to God for blessing us with this impressive skin hose and the salvation with which it gushes, just as he did for Ezekiel, with dry bones becoming as flesh, revealing His favor unto His chosen. How amazing to consider that the hands that sculpted this spectacular tube are the same that scattered the stars above and formed the earth below! How awesome His power to have crafted this perfect dong, this brave helmeted horseman riding triumphantly into our most private of thoughts, spreading testimony of God’s goodness through great ejaculatory bursts of acclamation!
Amen!
When the day comes that we finally meet our maker in His heaven above, we can’t wait to sidle up to Him at His throne, point down at this Tommy Hilfiger ad, and ask, “What in the hell do you think this guy feeds that thing?” to which He’ll gently reply, “Peanuts, my son,” leaving you awed by His infinite wisdom. Thanks be to God for our time in this world to enjoy gawking at photos of all the gargantuan studs it contains!
