If you’ve ever had concerns about riding New York’s MTA system, fear not, because the Big Apple just pulled out all the stops to ensure their public transportation system is the safest in the world: New York City is removing trains from the subway because they’re big and scary and could hurt people.
Wow. Without a doubt, this is going to save lives!
In a press release earlier today, New York Mayor Eric Adams announced that after careful deliberation, city council members have determined that subway cars are enormous and metal and terrifying and definitely fast enough to injure a person, and promptly voted to take all trains off MTA tracks effective immediately. Although MTA fares will rise by 50 cents to fund the removal of trains from all 472 stations across all boroughs, Mayor Adams assured transit riders that it’s a small price to pay compared to the public safety threat posed by huge and deafening and menacing trains that fly at speeds of at least 20 mph, if not faster than that.
“From now on, New Yorkers can expect the same convenience of the MTA’s 24/7 service, but with peace of mind knowing that the trains, and any sort of danger they may have presented to people, are gone forever,” wrote Mayor Adams.
“Millions of people use the MTA everyday. With the way those subway cars whiz in and out of stations, it’s a bonafide miracle we don’t have thousands of decapitations and smushings happening every single day. The other week, I saw a LiveLeak video of a guy jumping in front of a train, and that was all I needed to say, ‘Alright, we gotta stop these death machines, and stat.’ I mean, just watch how fast and loud they barrel into the station. Sometimes you look at people standing on a subway platform as a train rolls in—kids in particular—and you think, wow, if that person were to take a subway car to the gut? The train would win. No contest. Obliteration, guaranteed. I say good riddance to those things as we move New York into the future.”
Absolutely incredible. What a forward-thinking move.
Without the presence of massive and unnerving and potentially dangerous trains, the MTA is going to be safer to use than ever. Good on New York for showing cities around the country how safe transit is done!
