Sadly, the scene currently unfolding in your aunt’s house is proof that age is not just a number: The dance your 9-year-old cousin just performed in the living room was completely derivative—pedestrian, even—but you’re way too old to get up there and show her what real tap looks like.
Just heartbreaking.
Mere moments ago, your younger cousin Raquel interrupted the family party to show off a dance that was, if you’re being honest, one of the least original compositions you’ve ever seen, even when you account for the fact that she’s a child. Tragically, though, you’re much too old—and your knees far too creaky—to follow her performance with a better one, despite the fact that any of the double-time cramp rolls you could manage would immediately show up the half-assed shuffle ball-changes Raquel struggled through for the past two minutes. It’s frankly shocking that she thought her performance was worthy of summoning the entire family to the living room!
Gah! If only you weren’t 37, but were instead 11, or even as old as 16, which is perhaps the oldest you could be while still getting away with performing your own dance afterward under the guise of “teaching her some new moves.” But at 37, with a hip bursa caused by your dedication to the art of tap no less, there’s no recourse for you but to grin and bear it, and even clap with everyone for Raquel as she bows, although you know for a fact that you still fit in your old tap shoes and recital costume—which is really, really impressive, the costume part especially—and that those items are in a box upstairs labeled “TAP,” and if you were to put them on you’d easily outshine Raquel, even though, as mentioned, you’re obviously very rusty as a result of the knee and hip issues (which would, of course, make it all the more impressive that you’re better than Raquel), but alas—you really are too old for that kind of thing.
Sigh.
It really is a tragedy, though, that Raquel will now spend the rest of the night smiling with pride as though she didn’t just besmirch tap dance’s reputation with her flailing attempts at foot percussion. When you were her age, you had the decency to wait until you’d studied tap for at least a year before performing for your uncles and aunts. Where does Raquel get off thinking that three weeks of Tap 1 taught her enough to warrant stopping our conversations and moving the coffee table out of the way just to watch her stomp her feet and spin in circles? Hell, you’ve seen more inspiring performances of the Macarena than what Raquel did here today!
Doesn’t Raquel realize she’s in the presence of a three time Greater Boston Area Teen Tap Contest semi-finalist? Here’s hoping she doesn’t perform an encore, as she’s only embarrassing herself. (Spoiler alert, Raquel, everyone was only clapping for you because you’re a child.)
