This Halloween I went all out to make my house a prime destination for trick-or-treaters in my neighborhood. I decked out my porch with plastic skeletons and rubber witches, and I bought two huge bags of Reese’s Fast Breaks, which the guy at the drug store told me was one of the most popular types of candy among Halloween-aged kids. Unfortunately, I hardly got any trick-or-treaters all night, and the ones that came by seemed less interested in candy than in the forks and knives in my kitchen. In fact, they were pretty fixated on them. Here are the four trick-or-treaters who wouldn’t leave my porch until I gave them some of my cutlery.
1. The Little Boy Dressed As A Fireman
The first kid who came to my house was a boy in a fireman costume who looked like he was around six or seven years old. I said, “Hello, Mr. Fireman! Would you like a Reese’s Fast Break?” and he said, “Be quiet. Give me your forks and knives. Put them in my bag now or you will need to call the real firemen.” I said, “Are you sure you don’t want candy?” and the boy said, “If I wanted to be treated like an idiot I would have dressed up like the Three Stooges. Give me your forks and knives.” He seemed pretty serious about it, so I went into my kitchen and got some of the forks and knives out of my cutlery drawer and dropped them in the boy’s candy bag. The boy said, “If you tell anyone that I was here I will put a hex on you,” and then walked away down the street.
2. The Little Girl Dressed As A Witch
A couple hours went by without any other kids ringing my doorbell. I couldn’t understand what was going on. All my neighbors had tons of kids trick-or-treating at their houses, but they all seemed to skip over my house every time. Finally, just as it was getting dark, my doorbell rang and I opened my door to find a little girl wearing a black robe and pointed hat. I said, “Oh, a witch! How scary!” and the girl said, “Witches aren’t scary. The only thing in the world that’s scary is a man with no skin crouching at the foot of your bed whispering a list of people that he says he’s going to help you kill.” I said, “Did you see that in a movie?” and the girl said, “I wish. Give me some spoons and forks and one of your coffee mugs.” I offered the girl a Reese’s Fast Break, but she called them “glorified dog biscuits” and refused to touch them. I shrugged and went into my kitchen, grabbed some cutlery and one of my coffee mugs and put them in her bag. As she was leaving I said, “Happy Halloween!” and she called back, “Not likely, compadre.”
3. The Adult Man Dressed As A Bunny
After a few more hours of watching kids just walk right on past my house, I finally heard a knock at my door. When I opened it, I saw a very tall man in his late 50’s or early 60’s dressed as a white rabbit, with a fuzzy, full-body suit and everything. I said, “Aren’t you a little old to be trick-or-treating?” and the man said, “Oh shit, I forgot it was Halloween. That explains all the children wandering the streets. I thought our town had a Pied Piper situation going on or something. Anyway, I need dozens of forks and spoons.” I said, “What do you need them for?” and the man said, “It’s illegal to ask me that.” I shut the door and tried to ignore the man, but he started scratching at my door and howling like a wolf, so eventually I just grabbed a bunch of cutlery from my kitchen and dumped it into the garbage bag he had brought with him. As the man turned to go, I said, “Do you want a Reese’s Fast Break?” and the man said, “Sure.” I was so excited someone finally wanted a piece of candy from my house, but when I gave it to the man, he just chucked it as far as he could into the darkness and walked away with my cutlery clanking around in his garbage bag as he went.
4. The Infant Dressed As A Pumpkin
At around 11 p.m. I heard an extremely loud knock on my door, as if someone were smacking it with a hammer. When I opened the door, I found a tiny baby dressed as a pumpkin sitting in a red Radio Flyer wagon. The baby did not seem to have any adult guardian. He was just sort of sitting in the wagon staring at me. He was holding a laminated picture of a fork, which he waved around over his head excitedly. The wagon was already filled with forks, knives, and spoons, so I figured he was probably going from house to house collecting cutlery. I went to my kitchen and got him a fork and tossed it on the pile. The baby then held up a laminated card with a picture of a thumbs up, which he waved over his head while gurgling and burbling. I tried to put a Reese’s Fast Break in the baby’s wagon, but he started screaming and held up a laminated card with a picture of a skull-and-crossbones on it, so I decided that meant he probably didn’t want it. The baby’s wagon then rolled slowly off my porch and down the street all on its own, and I watched the baby waving his fork picture above his head as he disappeared into the night. I spent the rest of my Halloween eating Reese’s Fast Breaks by myself.
