When I started hospice care last year, I was honestly feeling pretty good about reaching the end of my time on earth. I had a great marriage. I got to be president. I even saw a UFO. It was a terrific life and it made a lot of sense to me to forego additional medical intervention for what everybody told me was a terminal illness. I’m prepared to meet my maker. Eager, even. So let me just check: is there some kind of specific thing I need to do to be able to die?
I guess I always assumed death was this automatic thing that just happens when you’re either 99 years old or terminally ill but especially both, and now I’m a little worried there’s some part of it I’m missing. Did I have to go check myself in at the graveyard at some point? I didn’t do that. If somebody there needs me to show some ID or fill out a form to be allowed to die, I can. I can swing by this afternoon if that’s it. Or if somebody else can authorize it, please just tell them for me, “Jimmy Carter says he’s good to go.” If they need it, my password for everything is Peanuts8.
For a while I thought maybe there’s some particular position I need to lie down in to die but I’ve tried a bunch and I’m still here. I tried lying on my back with my hands crossed on my chest, classic dead guy style. Nope. Then I tried lying peacefully in my bed surrounded by family and friends. Couldn’t even fall asleep, let alone die. I’ve tried lying face down, lying in a bathtub. Nothing. Now I’m trying something where I push on different parts of my body really hard to see if any of them do anything. I felt a little weird after pressing the backs of my knees, but I didn’t die.
It has to happen eventually, right? A person can’t just never die because they don’t know some specific step.
…Right?
I’m at my wits’ end here. I’ve tried shadowing other terminally ill people to see how they do it, but when I ask for tips on dying they just tell me to make the most of my time and live in the moment. That’s good advice, but not for the problem I’m having. I just want someone to say, “Oh, you’re not hunching over far enough. Give it ten more degrees and you can die.” Or “Think the words OKAY DEATH three times really loud in your head, then swallow hard.” I think my Secret Service guys know but aren’t telling me because they’ll look good if I turn 100.
I don’t want to sound like a sore winner. I know a lot of people really wish they got this much time, but I think I’m all set. Someone else can have mine if that’s possible. I’m not suicidal or anything, I’m just at a place where quietly slipping away feels like a pretty reasonable next step for me. I’m 99 for Pete’s sake. I want to see my wife and Elvis again. So please, somebody tell me: Am I doing something wrong?
