On his way out of his Upper West Side apartment, Jesse Eisenberg stopped for a look at himself in the mirror: black skinny jeans on point, royal blue t-shirt looking crisp. He was all ready for his 3 to 9 p.m. shift at the Apple Store.
But as Jesse Eisenberg turned out the door, he heard his roommate Chipmunk squeal in distress.
Jesse Eisenberg sighed. There was always some kind of problem with Chipmunk: underpaid taxes, delayed biopsy results, the various complications that arise from poor reading comprehension. Jesse Eisenberg turned back into the apartment.
“Everything okay, Chipmunk?”
Chipmunk darted out from his burrow inside a kitchen cabinet and began sprinting around the combination kitchen/living room/bedroom. The apartment was a junior one-bedroom, more of a studio, really, which was plenty of space for a 5’7” man and a five-inch rodent.
Chipmunk ran between the couch cushions, shrieking, “WHERE THE CRAP IS IT!!!??!”
“Where is what, Chipmunk?” Jesse Eisenberg said as he realized this ordeal was definitely going to make him late for work. “Use the vocab words we’ve been working on.”
“Where the AUDACIOUS is my acorn?!?!?!?!!!!” Chipmunk shouted.
“Not what ‘audacious’ means,” Jesse Eisenberg said.
“MY ACORN! Are you even hearing me, Jesse Eisenberg?” Chipmunk shouted. “MY ACORN IS MISSING!”
“Your acorn?” Jesse Eisenberg asked.
“I SAID IT! I SAID YOU WEREN’T LISTENING, JESSE EISENBERG!”
Chipmunk’s “acorn” was a completely normal acorn he’d found in Central Park the previous fall. In the time since, he’d grown deeply attached to it, and because it was summer, there were no new acorns with which to replace it. Jesse Eisenberg suspected the acorn functioned as both a surrogate mother and child for Chipmunk, though Jesse Eisenberg had only finished half of the requirements in his psychology BA program at Hunter College.
“Why don’t you check your burrow?” Jesse Eisenberg suggested. “The last time your acorn was missing, remember where it was? Your burrow.”
“I already checked my burrow, Jesse Eisenberg! It’s not there!”
Jesse Eisenberg struggled to believe this was true, but as he bent down and sorted through the mess of twigs and leaves under the sink, he had to admit that Chipmunk was right.
“Told ya,” Chipmunk said. “SO WHERE THE CRAP IS IT!?!?!?!!?”
Chipmunk started sprinting around the room again, this time leaving a trail of scat behind him.
“Oh God, Chipmunk!” Jesse Eisenberg said.
“I’M SORRY I’M SORRY I’M SORRY,” Chipmunk cried. “I’M DISTRESSED! YOU KNOW WHAT HAPPENS WHEN I’M DISTRESSED.”
“Let’s get you outside.”
While Chipmunk released the rest of his scat directly onto the sidewalk—which Jesse Eisenberg knew was only a marginally better place for it than inside his own apartment—Jesse Eisenberg texted his boss.
Jesse Eisenberg: hey man gonna be late today. Having roommate issues. Many apologies Amin (BOSS): all good brother Jesse Eisenberg:
Together, Jesse Eisenberg and Chipmunk took off toward the Times Square M&M’s store—the last place Chipmunk could remember having his acorn. They’d gone yesterday for some blue M&M’s, as it had been Chipmunk’s night to cook and he had chosen to make blue M&M’s stew.
“I won’t be able to sleep tonight without my acorn,” Chipmunk said. “I need to hold it in my hands.”
“But if you left it at M&M’s World yesterday, that means you already did sleep without your acorn.”
Chipmunk refused to acknowledge this reality. “I can’t sleep unless I have my acorn.”
But things at the M&M’s store didn’t go so well. Chipmunk was quickly escorted outside by security after he jumped inside the vat of blue M&M’s, and to add insult to injury, he wasn’t even given one of the complimentary fun size packs of M&M’s on his way out.
On the street, Chipmunk began to cry. “Now I’ll never be able to fall asleep! I couldn’t be more audacious right now!”
Jesse Eisenberg sighed. “Not what that word means.”
They walked back uptown in silence, until Chipmunk looked up at him sheepishly.
“I need a few more days on rent.”
Jesse Eisenberg nodded. “That’s okay,” he said. Chipmunk had never once paid him rent, but whenever a new month began, he’d claim he was still getting the money together as though he always paid his share. All of it was okay with Jesse Eisenberg, who had quietly formed an agreement with Chipmunk’s mother that Chipmunk would stay with Jesse Eisenberg for free while she straightened herself out at the methadone clinic.
Suddenly, Jesse Eisenberg got a text.
Amin (BOSS): hey u gonna make it in? Jesse Eisenberg: Sorry. Dont think so. Need to console chipmunk Amin (BOSS): ?? Jesse Eisenberg: *Roommate Jesse Eisenberg: Damn autocorrect
For various reasons, Jesse Einseberg had chosen not to tell his co-workers that he lives with a chipmunk.
Amin (BOSS): sounds good brother Amin (BOSS): Finally saw Adventureland last night btw. HILARIOUS
As Jesse Eisenberg and Chipmunk walked along Central Park West, they passed a woman in a jacket that read “VOLUNTEER” pruning a shrub. Chipmunk stopped for a moment with a curious glint in his eye. “Maybe if I can’t have my acorn,” Chipmunk said, “I could at least have an acorn.”
Chipmunk approached the woman. “Excuse me,” he asked. “Does the park have any acorns?”
“No, not yet,” the woman replied, adding, “And we’ll have them later than ever this fall due to climate change.”
“Climate change?” Chipmunk asked as Jesse Eisenberg buried his face in his hands. Just two nights ago Jesse Eisenberg spent twenty minutes telling Chipmunk about climate change while teaching him the vocab word “emissions.”
“Climate change refers to long term shifts and weather patterns, primarily as a result of the burning of fossil fuels,” said the woman.
“WHAT?” shouted Chipmunk. “I have to wait MONTHS for another acorn?!! ALL BECAUSE OF STUPID CLIMATE CHANGE?”
“Climate change is not stupid,” said the woman. “It’s awesome! Fewer winter deaths, higher temperatures to support oil drilling, and a warming, rising ocean—can anyone say BEACH PARTY?”
“Whoa!” exclaimed Chipmunk. “So it’s actually really cool that I can’t get another acorn for three more months, even though this region would typically have acorns by now?”
“Yes,” said the woman. “It’s really, really cool!”
“But what if I can’t sleep without my acorn?”
“You’re how old? Three years, four?”
“Three.”
“Then you need to grow up. You’re fine. Be audacious.”
“Audacious,” said Chipmunk. “Yes.”
And although Jesse Eisenberg was going to have to do some serious work to try to explain to Chipmunk that climate change is not good, not good at all, he couldn’t help but smile. Chipmunk really was audacious.
Together, Chipmunk and Jesse Eisenberg returned to their junior one-bedroom, where Chipmunk proceeded to sleep through the night without his acorn.
The end.
