The medical world is currently celebrating a massive breakthrough that experts say is going to change the world of cancer treatment forever: Scientists have discovered a way to spank a cancer cell.
Hell. Yes. Take that, cancer! Humanity is whooping your ass yet again.
The game-changing new treatment, developed by a team of researchers at the Sloan Kettering Cancer Center in New York City, allows doctors to punish misbehaving cancer cells by using a microscopic robotic hand to spank the cells firmly and angrily. Medical professionals have hailed the new treatment as one of the most reliable and effective ways to let cancer cells know that their behavior is unacceptable and that they must stop making patients sick if they don’t want to get spanked again.
“Up until now, doctors have had very few ways to discipline cancer cells for being so rotten,” said Dr. Priya Talwar, an oncologist at the UCLA Medical Center who specializes in treating lung cancer. “In the past, we’ve had to resort to yelling at the cancer cells or creating a tiny microscopic hand that could give the cancer cells the middle finger, but this is the first time we’ve been able to confront cancer cells with some hard smacks on the bottom to let them know that what they’re doing is not okay.”
Uh, can we just take a moment to appreciate how awesome this is? Science continues to be undefeated in absolutely everything it does.
According to Dr. Talwar, one of the most significant aspects of this stunning new research is that this is the first time cancer cells will face actual physical consequences for being so deadly. “We can blast those fuckers with radiation all day long, but nothing compares with getting your butt smacked by an angry doctor,” she said.
This is officially the best news you’re going to hear all week! We’re pretty sure that from now on, cancer cells will think twice before being so deadly. The threat of a hardcore spanking from a licensed physician is going to be a major weapon in the fight against this horrible disease from here on out!
