A pretty devastating situation is unfolding in a studio apartment in Chicago this morning, and if you’ve got a weak stomach for tragedy we recommend you look away: This loser whose life is pretty objectively in shambles just described himself as a perfectionist.
Absolutely heartbreaking. This is hands down the saddest thing that you’re going to read all day.
According to local news outlets, 29-year-old Alex Vernon’s life is a complete and total disaster, yet he somehow still views himself as someone whose biggest personal weakness is the pursuit of an unattainable standard of excellence. Sources close to Alex report that he is one of the biggest losers they know, but he has repeatedly claimed that he is someone who strives for complete perfection in all of his pursuits. It’s a level of self-delusion that experts have called “tragic” and “catastrophically ill-informed.”
Oof. You’ve really got to feel for this guy.
“I’m just the kind of person who isn’t satisfied unless I’m performing at the highest possible level,” Alex told reporters from the studio apartment where he lives alone and spends most of his time playing video games, doing drugs, and checking his online dating profile that hasn’t received a single match in over a year. “In both my work life and personal life, I drive myself crazy trying to make sure every little detail is flawless.”
Sources close to Alex recently clarified that his “personal life” refers to his relationship with his small group of friends, who largely find him insufferable and self-absorbed, and that his “work life” refers to his temp job working the check-in desk at a gym, which his manager has confirmed he will soon be fired from since he regularly fails to properly scan patrons’ ID cards.
It’s just baffling that this guy could take a look at his empty, dead-end existence and then turn around and say, “Yeah, I’m a bit of a perfectionist.” It’s possible that he has some grand plan for success that he just hasn’t realized yet, but for now, Alex’s life is clearly the result of his failing in absolutely everything he does in every possible way. Here’s hoping someone gives Alex a wake-up call soon so that he can stop describing himself as a perfectionist and start recognizing himself as the fuck-up he is.
