As prepared as you think you might be, vacuuming up your son can come with a long list of difficult stages to go through before you finally reach acceptance. Thankfully, psychologists have identified the common stages a parent experiences when this happens so you know what to expect. Here are the five stages of accepting that you’ve vacuumed up your son and that he lives in the vacuum now.
1. Denial That You Have Vacuumed Up Your Son
There you were, vacuuming in the TV room while your son played video games. You needed to vacuum in front of the couch, but your son refused to move his feet out of the way, and the toes of his socks were sloppily dangling from his feet. Suddenly, your son was gone. Your first instinct may be complete denial, thinking to yourself, “Maybe the clunking/son-screaming sound I just heard while the vacuum jerked violently in my hands and sputtered was just a rat or something.” While it’s only natural to be in disbelief that you’ve just made the biggest vacuuming-related mistake a parent can make, it’s important to accept the reality of the situation as quickly as possible. Your son is in the vacuum now, and he’s never getting out.
2. Anger That Your Son Was So Vacuumable
Once you’ve finally processed that fact that you did, in fact, vacuum your son right up, you may discover that you’re incredibly pissed off. Pissed that Dyson made a vacuum powerful enough to vacuum an entire son. Pissed that your son was so vacuumable. Pissed that vacuums don’t have any kind of reverse feature that blows out whatever sons they have sucked up. Pissed that the family photos you take for Christmas cards from now on will always have a vacuum in them. While anger can be a destructive emotion, it’s also one of the most human, so don’t beat yourself up too much if you feel rage that your son went into the vacuum so easily. It’s 100% normal to feel that way given the circumstances.
3. Bargaining With Your Son To Come Out Of The Vacuum Where He Now Lives
As your anger subsides, you may find yourself in the bargaining stage, erroneously believing that you can negotiate with either Dyson or your son to get him out of the vacuum. Trying to lure your son back out of the vacuum hose with a Monster energy drink or spending hours on the phone with Dyson customer service repeatedly asking if they’re sure there’s no way to retrieve your son from inside your V8 Absolute obviously won’t work, but as a parent of a vacuumed boy it’s completely normal for you to want to try. Just let it happen and eventually you’ll be able to move on.
4. Depression That You’re Going To Have To Buy A Second Vacuum
Nothing is more depressing than the realization that you’re going to need to have two vacuums, one for son-living-in and one for vacuuming. Your Son Vacuum will mainly be used for keeping your son alive, vacuuming up food, water, and medicine for him, and maybe a little bit of upholstery cleaning, while your House Vacuum will be your primary vac for carpets and floors. Depression over the fact that you need to get another $500 vacuum may cause you to experience the loss of joy from your favorite activities or even start to feel like the world would be a better place without you because all you have to offer is errant vacuuming. This can be the hardest stage of coming to grips with the fact you’ve vacuumed up your son, but the good news is it’s often the last stage before finally accepting that your son is in the vacuum now.
5. Acceptance That You’ve Vacuumed Up Your Son And That He Lives In The Vacuum Now
Reaching the stage where you finally accept that you’ve vacuumed up your son and that he lives in the vacuum now can take minutes or it can take years, but it’s important to remember that each stage of processing that you did this to him and that he’s in there now is an important part of living through such a significant event. You’ll reach this stage eventually, but try not to rush it and treat each step towards acceptance as an important part of your journey. No matter how trying each stage is, just remind yourself that one day having a son who lives inside a vacuum because you vacuumed him into there will feel like a normal part of life, and you might even forget he was ever not inside the vacuum.
