One of America’s largest retail corporations just made a huge policy change that reveals the sad state of our society: CVS has announced that they’re going to open fire on anyone who tries to come into CVS.
Dang. CVS is really not messing around.
Speaking from inside an armored bunker deep underground in an undisclosed region of the Mojave Desert, CVS CEO David Jovner posted a video to the company’s official Instagram account announcing that all CVS employees will now be armed with a full arsenal of firearms and explosives, and that they have been instructed to use them on anyone who attempts to walk through the doors of any one of their locations.
“We tried hiring more security guards, we tried putting our products behind locked glass doors, we tried hiding all our items so that nobody could find them, and people still kept stealing from us,” Jovner says in the video while two masked men in CVS store uniforms stand behind him holding AR-15s. “From now on, if you try to come into CVS, you will be neutralized.”
Wow. You might not agree with this decision, but you’ve got to admit it could make it harder to shoplift from CVS!
In a series of follow-up posts to the CVS Instagram account, company officials outlined how they would be implementing these new security policies, including training all new employees to fire on anyone who comes within 500 feet of any CVS location, as well as preemptively placing barbed wire around all physical stores and seeding every CVS parking lot with landmines. The company said that they are hopeful that this will decrease theft by about 13% over the next 10 years.
In the hours since the original announcement, the only other post from the CVS account has been a video of a 22-year-old cashier standing on the roof of a CVS in Lincoln, Nebraska firing a machine gun into the air with the caption, “ExtraCare cards will not save you. Do not come near us.”
Well, it’s official: If you don’t agree that this is going to change the way people shop at CVS, you are not a good person. Here’s hoping this new policy of shooting potential customers on sight will help CVS cut down on theft so they can keep they prices low. If you think this is good, or bad, or you don’t care about it, be sure to comment on this article or some article!
