Holy shit, holy shit, holy shit.
If you’re a student at Okaw Valley Middle School, drop whatever the fuck you’re doing and beeline to the gym, because some crazy-ass wild shit is going down. According to multiple sources, Fargas the foreign-exchange student just cracked his head open in Mr. Fehrman’s fourth-period gym class and is shrieking like an absolute motherfucker.
Seriously, it is fucking nuts. There is blood gushing all over the place!
Kids who saw it happen report that Fargas was doing “typical Fargas shit” at the time of the injury. Apparently, Fargas was hopping down the bleachers four steps at a time when, all of a sudden, one of his Euro-ass FILA gym shoes snagged on a stair, causing him to tumble headfirst and slam his dome on the hardwood floor. While at first bystanders thought it was hilarious that Fargas ate shit in such spectacular fashion, any initial snickering was immediately drowned out by a chorus of gasps as blood started spurting from his head at an alarming rate and he began shrieking like a goddamn banshee out of hell.
“Right when it happened, I thought, ‘Damn, Fargas is gonna bleed out and die right here in fucking gym class—like, his Lionel Messi T-shirt jersey is straight-up soaked in blood,’” said Tyler Pritchard, who was on the scene for the incident. “Dude is crying like a little bitch. Like, you know how a pig screams? That’s how Fargas is screaming, but, like, 10 times louder. Shit sent a chill down my spine.”
“I was there when Ashley Gutierrez barfed all over the library checkout desk and fainted, and this shit is way gnarlier,” he added.
Upon hearing Fargas’ ear-splitting shrieks, witnesses say that Mr. Fehrman quickly rushed to his aid while loudly blowing his whistle, urging nearby students to “go get some fucking towels or something,” as if all middle schoolers have an emergency stash of towels lying around for shit like this. He then inexplicably instructed Grace Vaughn, who currently has a walking boot and can’t run fast, to go hurry up and get the nurse before the the “foreign kid bleeds out on the floor and his parents come and fucking kill us all.”
In the meantime, Fargas continues to writhe and squeal on the floor in a way that is funny but also kind of scary, with blood spraying all over the fucking place. An informal poll taken among students at the scene confirms a general consensus that Fargas will probably have to go to the hospital and get, like, 500 stitches, which seventh-grader Austin Davies says will likely be a strange and distressing experience for Fargas, because in Estonia or wherever the fuck he’s from, they “probably have donkeys instead of ambulances and voodoo sorcerers instead of normal doctors.”
Pretty fucking crazy!
Fargas cracking his head open could very well become the school’s most talked-about event since Olivia Hendry got caught giving Connor Swetzer a blowjob in the orchestra practice room, so if you want to bear witness to Okaw Valley history, then you better haul ass down to the gym pronto. While Fargas is definitely still screaming his dick off, Mr. Fehrman appears to be close to getting the bleeding under control, which means your window to take part in this monumental occasion may soon be closing. Hurry the fuck up, bitches!
