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A Miraculous Infestation: A Week-By-Week Look Into How A Fetus Develops Into A Baby

The development of a fetus is a complicated and beautiful process. A lot needs to happen for one man’s fish to become an entire man or small woman. Scroll down to watch the development of a human fetus in action!

Day 1: Fertilization

At the very beginning of sexual intercourse, the human penis releases an army of sperm into the birth canal. After a nine-week journey, the wriggling, weeping sperm, all dry and deranged from their hellish, exhausting expedition through the sunless corridors of the female anatomy, arrive gasping at the gates of the egg. The sperm that is wearing the crown is granted access to the egg, while the other sperm migrate through the woman’s body to the brain, where they are absorbed and turned into new vocabulary words.

The sperm that is wearing the crown signals its arrival to the egg through a series of belches and horrific contortions. The egg receives this signal and sends back a series of sickening yawns and coughs. The egg then lowers its gate and allows the sperm to enter.

Week 1: The Baby Is A Gross Ball

The egg and the sperm have married each other and now they have become a mangled genetic salad called a gross ball. The gross ball is horrified that it is alive, because it is so gross and round. If left unattended at this point, the gross ball will escape the womb, drag itself across the kitchen floor, and climb into the microwave, where it will hit the “POPCORN” button and close the door. It’s bad to be the gross ball.

Week 3: The Baby’s Bottom Half Forms

By the end of the third week, the bottom half of the baby forms. Its legs kick furiously in order to kill potential predators, such as birth apes.

Week 4: The Baby’s Top Erupts Out Of Its Bottom Half

Abruptly and without warning, the baby’s top half rockets out of its bottom half. Its basic physiology is now formed, although the baby is still very small—about the size of a crow’s eye. If your baby escapes from the womb at this point, it is so small that it would immediately get eaten by a wasp or a wasp’s friend.

Week 5: The Baby’s Mind Arrives

After five weeks, the baby’s mind shows up and starts to live inside the baby’s head. At this early stage, the mind is a scrambled mess, and the baby uses its mind primarily to think about necklaces and rings.

Week 6: The Baby Learns To Frown

The baby now knows how to frown. Frowning is a very important way to let people know that you are having a bad time.

Week 9: The Baby Somehow Gets Ahold Of A Battery

The baby has a double-A battery now. On ultrasounds, the baby can be seen waving the battery around as if to say, “Look what I’ve got, you goddamn rubes. I’m the one with the battery now. Fuck you!”

Week 10: The Baby Becomes Gay

It’s gay now.

Week 11: The Baby Learns How To Say “”

The baby will keep saying this over and over again, thousands of times a day, until it is born. 

Weeks 12-15: Teeth

This is the part with the teeth.

Week 16: The Baby Puts Its Entire Leg In Its Mouth

It’s still not entirely clear why the baby puts its leg in its mouth, but researchers believe it’s probably a religion thing.

Weeks 18-29: A Big Eyeball Comes To Look At The Baby

For nearly three months, a giant eyeball comes to the womb to look at the baby. The eyeball does not like looking at the baby. When the eyeball is finished looking at the baby, it dies.

Week 30: The Baby Briefly Catches Fire

While researchers still don’t know exactly why the baby catches on fire, they do know that it’s the baby’s fault.

Weeks 31-33: The Baby Goes On Vacation

The baby is currently on vacation.

Week 34: The Baby Returns From Vacation With An Earring

The fetus is now back from vacation and it has an earring. Scientists do not know where the fetus went on vacation or where it got the earring. The earring hurts the fetus. The earring looks amazing.

Weeks 35-37: The Baby’s Friend Valerie Comes To Visit

The baby gets a visit from its friend Valerie. Valerie and the baby gossip about boys and talk about war.

Week 38: The Baby Becomes A Circle

At this late stage in the baby’s development, the fetus temporarily becomes a perfect circle. It is important for the baby to be round like this. Being round helps the baby shit.

Week 39: The Baby Becomes A Sinner

After spending a week as a perfect circle, the baby returns to its original shape and develops the capacity for evil. The baby is now able to commit sins such as murder, gambling, and theft. The part of the baby’s brain develops that enables it to tell lies. The baby is now ready to be born.

Week 40: The Baby Is Born

At last the baby emerges from the birth canal. The doctors lift the baby’s loincloth in order to determine its sex. If the baby has a penis, the sex of the baby is “Lunatic.” If the baby has a vagina, the sex of the baby is “Maniac.”

Then, out walks the father. For nine long months, the father has been growing the fingernail on his pinky in order to get it nice and sharp so that he can show it to his new child. The father shows off his long, long fingernail and the baby says, “Oh yes, that is razor sharp and nice as all get-out.” The father then uses his steak knife of a pinky nail to cut the umbilical cord. The father-child bond has been solidified.

The mother then unrolls the hose and plugs it into the baby’s mouth. She pumps a continuous flood of milk into the baby, thus rendering the baby fat and big.

A new life has now begun and the baby is ready to walk the earth. This is the miracle of life.